Hooray for 2012!

Babies...are angels of God in disguise. His sunlight still gleams in their tresses. His glory still gleams in their eyes. Charles M. Dickinson


As we welcome in a fresh New Year we anticipate the coming of a new little Behnke baby!

A Moment

A precious milestone has been passed. A once even row of baby teeth now proudly gapes an opening for a new addition. Our little girl, our firstborn, the baby we jostled on our laps while typing term papers and carried in a Baby Bjorn along with knapsacks of books and binders to the university library, the little girl who played football in the backyard with us on lazy Sunday afternoons, pigtails flying, face scrunched in determination, quick to laugh, reach for Daddy's hand, give me a great big sloppy kiss...

Natalie has lost her first tooth. Calmly she came to me between loads of laundry. "Guess what Mom, my tooth just fell right out!" She spent her evening making a card for the tooth fairy, promising to stay up quietly to watch for her coming...Nothing could match her excitement this morning when the tiny white tooth was replaced by two shiny quarters. "She even took the card! I saw her Mom, I saw her flying in and she gave me a kiss
and I asked her to go kiss Adam while he was sleeping!"

Another magic moment. Another priceless memory.

Just a Question

Why is it that when relatives/friends come to visit your normal children seem to vanish into thin air replaced by droids or some sort of strange alien beings that are vaguely familiar but no less disturbing...?

Mine were just that over this Thanksgiving holiday. Squabbling and bickering over the smallest thing, crying literally over spilt milk or being refused a second dessert or having to share a turn or a seat at the table or a chance to speak.

Why? Why did my once beaming, sunny 2 year old morph into a writhing,wailing mess? Just when it's time to show off all the progress they've made in learning to read and write their names and ride a bike...we fall off the edge of sanity and it's a total game change.

It has been enough to make my head swim and fogginess to descend. Are we doing something wrong? Have we missed the boat somewhere? Maybe it's simple. Maybe our kids are as human as we are. Maybe they have bad days too where the lack of sleep, too many rich foods, overexcitement from new visitors takes its toll. Maybe 3 and a half days isn't enough to get an accurate snapshot of what a family is really made of.

Maybe I should give myself a break too. Between money stresses and never enough time to complete anything (I have been reading the same book for the past month and a half), not even finishing my morning tea yet. The unfinished career plans looming in the distance. The whatifs about schooling and sports and lessons and moving AGAIN. It's all getting a little too overwhelming again I get mired in all the details and forget to gaze at the sky. We're bigger than this. Our love, our dreams for our family..we are bigger than money stresses and tantrums and exhaustion and fears. And we have a big God who can hold it all in the palm of His hand. I don't have to be so big and so strong and so perfect...He is.

And it's on

The Thanksgiving preparations have begun in our house. Some are more excited than others at the prospect of nonstop baking and prepping. We have the added benefit of an extra day... with out of town family coming in we have moved the actual big meal to Friday. But we have spared no effort in our planned meal list. Let us plan well and hope for success. Better to set the bar a little high I think. And it won't hurt that I'm a bit of a food network junkie.

An herb butter slathered turkey (fresh this year) and spatchcocked with a roasting pan full of root vegetables (caramelized and delicious)

Homemade cornbread, bacon and apple stuffing. (a first!)

Roasted garlic broccoli (a meal in itself)

Overnight creamy mashed potatoes (with a masher/no mixer here!)

Cloverleaf rolls (someone keep me away)

Homemade whole berry cranberry sauce (beats the can everytime)

And so much more once Tim's mom gets here and adds her expertise to the table.

Might I take a moment to gush about the highlight of our experience this Thanksgiving- the desserts!

A chocolate bourbon pecan pie.

Maple pumpkin pie with cinnamon crumble and maple infuse whipped cream (homemade)

Emeril's carrot cake with vanilla cream cheese frosting and almond crunch garnish

Cherry cobbler

Black and white cupcakes

Dipped pretzels...and it goes on. I hope you've enjoyed my oversharing about our holiday feast.. we will keep our fingers crossed on my first foray into hosting this grand occasion....

A Trip

.JPG">





The traveling Behnkes are back in action. After a bit of a hiatus we headed out on the road again. Tim had a conference he was conducting in the Appalachian Mtns. at a beautiful resort/spa. The nights were a tad long and lacking quality rest despite the adjoining rooms. Mealtimes were kind of beyond crazy at certain moments. Picture a huge beautiful room with beamed ceilings and crackling fireplace and smooth oak tables with quiet couples eating and laughing or calm families passing plates. Enter me, several bags slung over my shoulders, juggling sippy cups and a 2 year old with two exhausted but hopeful little folks trudging behind me. Buffet lacked yogurt, any type of familiar cereal, eggs were bland and watery. So after scrounging what we could (No bananas?) we headed to our table laden with goblets and silverware neatly arranged in cloth napkins and several china plates. (Yes, we do not often go out to dinner with our little people). Did I mention our table was in the center of the room? All eyes on us.

Breakfast lasted all of 17 minutes from the minute I stumbled through the doors to the minute herded out. Most of the silverware ended up on the floor. Milk was spilled, there was a minor slapfight, heads were bumped on the table..Needless to say we weren't quiet. I could almost hear the staff's smiles spreading across their faces as we finally left. And we did it again for lunch and dinner. Brave new world. Eating out. Don't think we'll be doing that too often for the next couple years.

Our trip was so much more than meals. But it's hard not to mention something so significant I broke out in a cold sweat before crossing the dining room threshold.

We went to "Goats on the Roof" an amazing down home country store with goats actually living in elaborate obstacle courses on the rooftops. They had a bicycle device which powered a cup of goat feed which was sent up to them as you pedaled.

We went for long hikes on the golf cart only road and were soon forced off. We played Star Wars tag on the back lawn, a pillow fight got out of hand and Adam ended up with a bloody nose and a split lip. We tasted life on this weekend. Let me tell you. And now as proof of my exhaustion I have published this post with duplicate photos..Zzzz

A Camping Trip

For a day and half we decided to throw our schedule: bedtime/bath routine, methodical dinnertimes, chores and must do's out the window and head out a on a brief but event filled campout.

Found a beautiful spot by the river. Collected pinecones and acorns and firewood and marched around like Indians, roast toasted gooey marshmallows and made the newly invented Double Chocolate S'more (we Behnkes just skip the graham cracker and sandwich the mallow between two slabs of chocolate) yum!

The night was nothing less than freezing cold (bone chillingly so; our mattress deflated midway through, somehow we had brought a lightweight tent so the not so summer wind was blowing through the entire night. Needless to say with Will and I in one tent and Tim and Nat and Adam in the other, someone was always awake.

But then came that morning stillness with it's calm and smoky campfire smell and crackling and crisp coldness that makes you feel alive. And then it was time for a kayak ride or two before heading back home.

Definitely cold. Definitely exhausting. Completely worth it. Completely worth doing again.

BOO!

It was a super Halloween at our house. A perfect night for crime fighting and candy collecting. We certainly made our mark on the neighborhoods we canvassed. Especially Batman's little sidekick. It took much persuasion to pry the candy bucket out of his hands, he finally relinquished it to sit on his dresser where he could gaze at it before falling asleep. "Eat candy..nem nems (M&M's) yum!", were his last whispered words before sleep claimed him.

Having Cake

It was a big bright beautiful day. Our little boy, our deployment baby, the little one who rocked contentedly in his swing and gurgled at me while I did the dishes and stayed up late nights doing laundry, who snuggled sweetly on our shoulders and helped the long year apart pass that much faster...The flying little feet that rush to the front door to greet Daddy each afternoon, the chubby hands that always reach for mine "C'mon Mom..come see..come with me Mom." The great solemn brown eyes that regard us seriously as we dole out a discipline or share a word of caution..the sweet smile that fills my heart with warmth each time I glimpse it.. the chirping voice we hear singing in his crib each night, "Always, always, I'll follow Him always.." or singing the weekly Bible verse "God loves a happy giver (or in his pronunciation, "gibber")...His never failing "Kiss me mama, one more kiss and hug.." as I leave his room each nap and bedtime..

Pure joy. Absolute sweetness. Wouldn't trade this, trade him for anything...It is worth it all. The struggle, the exhaustion, the sleeplessness, the worry. What a treasure you are our boy. Happy 2nd Birthday Will!

Settling In

We have arrived in Georgia! After some scrambling and searching and several missed opportunities we found a nice comfy house on a quiet cul de sac. In the process of unpacking and unloading we have acquired some furry friends. A dog named Hero and a cat named Wall E have rounded out our happy bunch. With a swingset in our big shady tree filled backyard, lots of Play Doh creating and painting and wrestling we are getting attached to this new place.

We have already had a visit from Uncle Andrew and are expecting a big family visit for Thanksgiving. Natalie and Adam are learning to read and add and subtract and Will is learning colors and ABC's (not so much of a baby anymore!) Tim is getting acclimated to serving with the Wounded Warrior Battalion and I am carving out time for writing projects and hoping to get some of them published in the near future.

After all of the stress and surprise and sudden upheaval it is so comforting to again come to the realization that home can be anywhere. Anywhere we all are together.

7

Here's to 7 amazing years with a man I couldn't have even dreamed up. I love you Tim. Thanks for walking through it all with me...

Settling

Parenting is a series of experiments. If you combine A and B then you will most often not get the C you planned for. But sometimes you will and those moments are priceless. When you finally see that little image of you catching onto something you have been working with them at for what seems like eons you feel like you've got the world on a string....

Early on I felt that erring on the side of the law would get me further...make life simpler...help them to learn more quickly. But rarely when you use force whether with child or adult do you get positive results...why do we choose to follow the same route everyone else always has just because? I feel that struggle sometimes...the longing for everything to fit into a neat little space..for the small people to just listen, follow directions...stop questioning.

A small question keeps rearing its head within me..are they learning anything from this? Obeying without question at times is necessary. But is it wrong to ask why, to need to understand why you're being asked to do something and then follow through because you understand and agree rather than you're afraid of a consequence? Seems to me we need more people who make decisions because they understand the whys rather than just blindly following the crowd...

Tim and I have been laughing lately at the absolute mayhem that is our life. As Lincoln said, "I laugh because I must not weep, that is all, that is all." The latest news here is that deployment looms in the very near future unless we move which would then be in about a month and a half.. Absolute madness.. Not sure quite where we fit sometimes...wishing for a place with roots.. Many around here have front porch plaques that read; "Home is where the Army sends us." I must confess I have had moments of eye narrowing and silent cursing that sometimes frustrating reality. By the same token there is something noble and worthwhile and essential about this sort of life. Keeps us working and appreciating life and each other and freedom.

Bob Dylan put it quite well, "You gotta serve Somebody" and at the end of the day continually putting a life of service and a patience to wait for what really matters can bring something invaluable to our family table...Because of the uncertainty we have wrestled over and made the decision to homeschool at the least for the first few years. The possibility of moving some place for one year and then onto the next place does not bode well for their early education. But homeschooling (God bless those of you who make it work) was not something I desired for us. I do worry about the social integration and the lack of peer contacts, so we have dance class and swim lessons and playground activities and AWANA and all of those in place to make up for that...

So we are at an even greater place of uncertainty. We could receive word next week..we could be waiting several more months..Tim could head out for another year away or we could move in a matter of weeks...Who knows? I am finally coming to a place of settling down to the idea of never settling down....

Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed..plunged into a deep swirling pool of decisions and dilemmas and responsibilities. Weighted down with visions of future, sadness from the past..dreams for the present. Buried in cerebral pursuits I am suddenly, comically brought back down to earth..to homey, humble sod by sticky jelly covered fingers clutching at my pantleg..a little monkey like boy wrapped tightly around my waist whispering silly jokes in my ear..a vision of bright curls and merry eyes begging me to come see her back porch chalk drawing...

Often I am not as involved..connected...excited about their world as I would like to be. Sometimes I get too old, set in my ways..trying so hard to be an adult...fix my problems..accomplish my list of tasks. Brows furrowed and hands grabbing at this and that..trying for the 4th time that morning to pick up the crayons from the floor...gather up the pillows tossed around the living room..chiding myself for not dusting behind the television/cleaning behind the refrigerator/repainting the ceiling/ scrubbing each and every floor tile with a toothbrush and a fingernail to get it spotless. And still it comes...never enough time and never enough done...And when I live in this space..above that shining realm of imagination and wonder that seems to reside below hip level..right at the eye level of little munchkins I am just that..old.

Old is not an age they say, it's a state of mind. Never is it truer than on the days I forget to laugh..get too busy for a fairy tea party or a game of hopfrog or sitting cross legged on the floor..available for them...around to listen. Strangely and wondrously enough I find the days that I have marked out time to just be there..around to hear the latest adventures of Johnny Spaceman..hunt for a perfect spot to catch mayflies or mix up a perfectly gooey batch of mudpies..are the days I can truly speak into their little hearts...Never before are there so many eager questions..about God..about life...about whys and whats and everything in between...And never do I feel such a connection to what truly matters...May I never get too rigid to roll around on the floor for awhile..too busy to give full attention to a spooky story special made by a 4 year old with deep chocolate brown eyes...too stressed to set down my broom to feel the weight of chubby arms around my neck and sweet slobbery kisses on my ear...

Thanks alot for the cookie mom, my little guy said while heading out of the kitchen...No...thank you.. for more than you'll ever know...

Live

Lately I feel the increasing need to unplug, to step back, reexamine. Reading way too many self help books; overcome disorder, gain resilience, build a stronger family, be a better mother, wife, person, eat better, exercise more mindfully....Aah! My mind is completely overwashed by it all. Swimming in all the tips and ideas and stories and whatifs. Too much of a good thing..you know...

So is there a book for those who read too many self help books? Way to break that addiction? Smile..Sigh. So its off the tips and tricks for awhile although well and good. Because really there's only one Author who knows about my life specifically and personally, my situation, my dreams... and at the end of the day I can apply all of these principles and still come woefully short...

So I'm at the place right now... A little short..a little weary of it all... Time for time to just sit..to be... reflect and just live. I don't want to be reading about how to live my life all the while it's going on by me...

Positively Royal

Ok, I admit it. I couldn't help but get caught up in the joyous celebration of a royal wedding. The bustling preparations..the pomp and glamour..the simple beautiful love story...I however am not enough of a hardcore royalmaniac to get up before dawn to watch the proceedings. No dears, I slept comfortably while all was beginning, content to DVR and watch at leisure. And somehow it wove itself neatly into our Saturday..the normal lazy morning and puttering around in the backyard..a visit to a farm enjoying creamery ice cream...I managed to find a package of Pims and a bouquet of mini blush pink roses for the table...everyone seemed to take up the excitement..my excitement. At Natalie's request she and Adam danced for us and he even assented to present her with a bouquet...Will spun circles during the processional and the Pims were passed around...."He's looking at us, the Prince is waving at us!" was the exclaim as we watched the cars make their ways to the church.. "How beautiful it is!"

Celebrating the little things...though distant and far removed from our daily life is necessary, integral...For in joining in the revelry and merrymaking a world away we were cementing all that is true and good and joyful in our little corner of the world....

Boy

My boy is a seeker. He wants attention, affection and he wants to know why.

Why don't the clouds fall out of the sky?

How far away is the center of the earth?

When I grow up can I be Superman?

Why do I have to go to the doctor?

Will we go on vacation/move to a new house/visit the bookstore/have a race before I get shots? (A question he asks several times every day). His life is lived in the period B.S. (before shots), they are his constant dread..

He is sympathetic and warm one moment, the next he is bold and fearless and rough, wanting space, showing his burgeoning independence.

Every day I watch him dream and run and learn and grow and I cannot help but be thankful for the gift to know and encourage and laugh with and love this little boy so soon to be a man....

A birthday

A little guy at our house turned 4 today. And what a day it was. Early risers excited to tear open the pile of gifts and get started with the celebration... Once the Superman suit was on it was time to break out the fun. Rocket ships and flying saucers replete with aliens zoomed through the rooms..helicopters and superheroes followed at a fast clip and in the midst of it all Will gave chase back and forth around and around, not really playing with anything but excited to be in the midst of the birthday madness as it were.

As usual Adam ran laps back and forth from front door to back, only this time he was wearing a red cape and according to him, "Mom did you see how I ran even faster than when I was fwee because now I'm four!"

Then it was off to church where Nat and Adam gave an interesting interchange in front of the congregation during what was supposed to be the children's choir presentation. Hitting upon uncharacteristic moments of shyness they withered before the congregation with Adam taking a seat yet still carrying on a conversation with Natalie who remained frozen on the edge of the singing group. Then halfway through the next song Natalie loudly took her leave of the group and both children, by now arguing loudly, had to be ushered out of the sanctuary.

While they were in class and Tim preaching I realized I had lost my car key(or so I thought). At which point Will and I decided to hoof it home to pick up another key and a stroller and make it back before church ended. I planned for a long walk, however I didn't take into account the heat, my flimsy ballet flats, my long billowing dress, or the fact that my already healthy awake child would soon be a dead weight soundly asleep in my arms. With screaming muscles I made it down the last hill and around the corner to our street, meeting with the one person I was hoping not to see in my present state, carried on a cursory polite conversation and trudged wearily the last few steps to our lawn where I stood transfixed, staring up at our house. It was as though I walked into a Walt Disney film. There were I kid you not at least 5-7 birds; robins, cardinals, sparrows swooping in and out of our front porch, alighting on our hanging stars, chirping and warbling. Home never looked so sweet. A mile and a half never felt so long...

And soon the rest of the family rolled in with the birthday boy ready for smiley face fries (a special concession) and chattering about space and rockets and heaven. We had a lovely lunch, a delicious bite of cake and rounded out the day with a little foraging in the garden, a few footraces and homemade pizza. A sweet, comfortable end to an oftimes exhausting day. And Nat and Adam were overjoyed to start their long awaited sleepover and the upstairs has been ringing with laughter ever since....

A different kind of Easter

Somehow this Easter was different. There was the usual last minute scramble to locate wayward stockings, a missing shoe..a lost bow. The uproarious and giggly Easter egg hunt and haggling over splitting the spoils.. The inevitable fights over a toy..tears..pleas..an ensuing chase..a finally out of commission flat iron and the resignation to yet another chignon. A dress I hadn't worn since last summer and planned would work perfectly this Easter ended up being a few inches too short to be proper. A quick iron of a shirt that stubbornly held onto its wrinkles..a quick batch of bread dough to stir up while toting a whiny little man on my hip...And at last that at once exhausting and exhilarating final exhale at the end of it all..we're finally ready.

But through it all there was a new sense of joy in this day..celebration for the big moment..the big God that had triumphed over it all. As we scrunched on the couch for a few last minute pictures I found I was able to breathe easy. Relax. Who cares if a few hairs were out of place or we didn't have matching Easter garb or tiny people decided to wrestle in the church pew?Nothing could shake the beauty of the sun shining through the stained glass windows, the hush of quiet prayers before song..the smiles of wonder on small faces as they glimpsed the cross in front of them, pointing excitedly...I could do no more than just sit back and revel in it all. All of it...everything sweet and poignant and so full of glee came because of this one special day...the day the Rescue was complete...

Bread

I baked bread today. Rolls really. Honey wheat to be exact. And they were absolutely divine. Scrumptious. I couldn't help gobbling one over my dinner preparations, smeared with smooth butter. Does it get much better? The moment it reached my mouth I felt that same sweet comfort that baked goods always deliver. Why is that?

How can a mixture of flour and butter and honey and yeast feel like a homecoming? Like nothing has changed. You haven't grown bigger and stronger and wiser yet...haven't faced mounds of bills or empty wallets...overflowing laundry baskets and unruly stubborn tempered little folks who send you for a loop...haven't wondered if you've made the right choices with your moments..given enough to those tender little hearts who always seem to need so much...before you've lost touch with someone you once loved..treasured..counted on...before everything had to have an exact and acceptable purpose..you couldn't just do something because you felt like it..because it looked good..because it made you smile...

Just sitting at a sunlit kitchen table smearing butter on simple bread and enjoying it for what it is. And I thought of love. Of what it means to find something so grand..so special..so worthwhile that everything else stops and you sit and savor it.. Long afternoons seem all too short..the darkness and sleep and silence come too soon..Love so real that you taste it on your tongue..feel it warming your face..its light bouncing in your eyes and giving everything meaning..Like bread.

And I thought of the God..my God who came near to me. Close enough to touch. And he sat and broke bread..simple, humble, ordinary bread with folks like me and he made it..holy. Why he chose something so commonplace to represent himself and us (the ones he loves) never captured me in quite this way before. Something to fill up a hungry belly...warm a cold soul...accent a delicious repast. Something that can keep on being broken and shared many times over. Like his love...like our love...like us..Simple bread.

And on this rapturous day of celebration I can't think of anything I'm more thankful for than the simple and divine gift of bread.

Where There's Smoke...

If anyone happens to see billowing clouds of grey smoke rising from our house-rest assured, I am not trying to signal anyone, neither am I preparing an unusual type of main course for dinner. It all started innocently enough really. In the midst of my mid-afternoon repose, which includes but is not limited to: supervising 2-3 potty breaks..cleaning up a broken dish..unloading and loading the dishwasher at least once..whipping up banana bread while holding a small boy with a face covered in marker streaks..cleaning up aforementioned marker streaks from television screen,carpet and in between tiny white teeth..attempting to decide between Amazing Action Superman and Marvelous Might Superman for a birthday gift order..figuring out how breadcrumbs, several leftover boxes of pasta and a few eggs can constitute a decent supper...and changing a ridiculously messy diaper..I attempted to make old fashioned popcorn.

Instead of creating kernels the blessed machine began to construct an elaborate, black and sticky mass which grew menacingly out of its middle, spilled over the sides and billowed smoke thick enough to coat the neighborhood. All of our smoke alarms are in working order as they sounded the charge for what felt like hours whilst I put my efforts into calming distraught children and cleaning up the goop. That done it's on to rinsing sand out of Will's throat, answering Adam's questions about a lost random toy that I don't even remember and helping Natalie find an unusually small and well hidden beetle...Ah sweet rest..

The In Betweens

A record amount of tornadoes ripped through our state and several others yesterday. Perfectly astounding as far as I was concerned. Going on about a normal Saturday, clipping coupons, sipping a latte, playing ring a round the rosy and airplane races. On a whim Nat and I decided to go out for a little girl bonding and some shopping. Torrential downpour made it almost impossible for us to see the road, hail the size of golfballs pounded our windshield, streetlights out, cars wrecked on the side of the road, giant trees blocking the highway. Oblivious to everything we were calmly headed for our destination and turning on the radio I soon realized what a dangerous situation we were in.

Thank God we were able to turn around at a blockade, making it back home just as the weather service spotted the tornado 8 miles from us. Gathering little warm bodies, a box of crackers, sippy cups and a battery powered DVD player we hunkered down in our coat closet. Happily they snuggled into a pile of winter coats, singing along with Little Einsteins and passing cheddar crackers all around..giggling..chattering, not even realizing what raged outside us. So close.

As I sat there, legs folded in a pretzel, wedged between two guitars and an old mirror, Will bouncing on my knee I couldn't help but flash to all the normal moments. When nothing big or grand or super exciting is happening. Brushing teeth before bed, laughing at a bubble beard in the bathtub, reading Good Night Moon over and over, pushing a small, wiggling boy on a swing, chasing each other around the backyard, sharing an interesting story over dinner, trying to hear my husband over the clamor of little voices eager to join in, "Who was it?", "Why did they say that?" "What did you say Daddy?", never a private conversation. Singing our dinner prayer, playing dominos, enjoying the crash and clatter, Will earnestly scribbling a picture while cheerfully humming an unintelligible tune..long afternoons reading on the back porch, barely finishing two sentences before needing to rescue someone from an impromptu sprinkler shower, give a push down the slide, catch a wayward beetle or lizard or toad, run a couple of races around the fenceline...

The in betweens. The time when nothing of note (or seemingly so) is taking place, but life is still happening. It's only when the huge, momentous, life changing events happen that you truly realize the sweetness of the simple things. A bear hug..an invitation to read a beloved story...smiles over spoons loaded with cookie batter, more smeared over small faces...a long kiss goodnight...a walk in the early evening, a little girl's hand reaching eagerly for your own...the rush to find you wherever you are because something is so special you must tell mom...the end of the day celebration when daddy comes home...

All of it so poignant, so full, so splendid and yet often I miss it waiting for the big moments..or getting caught up in the irritating details of maintaining life, and I forget to revel in the magic...the in betweens..

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." ~Emily Dickinson

Ode to a Lizard

Adam's pet lizard Stumpy (May he rest in peace) took a dive and checked out of the proverbial terrarium this past weekend. One moment he was having a reckless wild ride in a push along fire engine, the next he was breathing his last. Tearfully, carefully he was laid to rest under a pine tree in our side yard..

His life was long and full. Large portions of days were spent crawling around block towers Adam carefully constructed for him, riding on his shoulder around the backyard. He was frequently spotted perching on the edge of the sandbox while roads and rivers were created. Nights were spent hiding out in a pile of leaves, belly full of fresh live crickets and water slurped from an orange juice bottle cap, able to fit inside for a quick dip,his tail having long since been confiscated by a fellow reptile...

He was curious, head often cocked in your direction, little slit eyes sizing you up, mouth opening to hiss or yawn by turns. He was green, he was gray, and sometimes brown, often found hanging upside down. He was quiet and true and loved with a passion, dear Stumpy how sad we are at your passing...

Big Change

My dreams lately focus on a giant, sloppy layer cake chasing me down the street, covering me with great gobs of pink frosting.. Maybe I was a dessert in my past life. Or maybe our recent change in diet has something to do with it...

We have taken the plunge. Organic all the way for us. For the past couple of months I have wavered back and forth over the issue. Never sure if I could truly believe all I was hearing about hormones and GMO's and the affects on our bodies. And I think part of me didn't want to go through the hassle of overhauling our whole way of life. So I dipped a toe in here and there, organic milk, no more beef, a few changes to vegetable and fruit choices. Nothing major.

But after several conversations with neighbors, some exposure to a documentary called Food Inc. and much research on the topic I realized we had to make some changes. We can't afford not to listen to the research and truths raised. We may not see what's going on inside our bodies, what the hormones and steroids are doing to our organs, but that doesn't mean nothing's happening.

Shockingly many of the ingredients in our everyday products, from a box of graham crackers to the vanilla extract we flavor with contain ingredients that are causing cancer in rats. Tumors, organ failure and cancer, if there is even a possibility that the things I'm putting in my body could cause any of that then I'm done. It's over. It's not worth it to me.

I was fearful to see how the changes would go over with the little folks here. They're definitely used to raw veggies for lunch and fruit smoothies for breakfast but just about every snack food they love; Sugar Free Fudgesicles, Nilla Wafers, even Animal Crackers got the axe. No more occasional stops at McDonald's or Taco Bell. More beans and veggies, no more Kraft Mac N Cheese. Bye bye hotdogs and french fries, hello homemade bread and quinoa.

The grocery shopping became increasingly difficult the first couple weeks, then as we settled in we were good. It was working. We sleep better, feel better, look better and most importantly of all we know that we're not putting hidden fats and hormones and junk in our bodies. To take it even further we found a study by the American Heart Association and the Mayo Clinic detailing that those who eat a virtually meatless diet are healthier and on average live 40% longer. Who wouldn't want that? So out went the meat (except for the occasional salmon) and in came other sources of lean protein.

Is your body really a temple? You have to treat it that way more than just on Sundays, more than just according to your religious practices. Go big. Go simple. Sounds oxymoronic but so true. Take the big step to purify. Send that cake back where it belongs...

Lately

We are in limbo. Really and truly. Slated to go one direction, then the road changed and now we're sitting at the stoplight way past when we planned. On the surface it has been more than easy for me to keep doing what I'm doing. As Elisabeth Eliot says, "When you feel overwhelmed by circumstances, just do the next thing." And that's what I've done. Quite well I thought.

But the past couple of weeks the suffocating heat of the unknown has taken away my freshness. the Proverbs have it right, "Without a plan, the people perish." I have been wilting by the day. Still able to keep up the tasks, the cheerful brave front when it counts. But deep inside is the wondering, the questions, "What next?" I long to plan for something, straighten out the disorder. Prepare. But how can you prepare without plans? "Can a man build a tower without first constructing a plan?" He cannot, not well.

Enter my husband. The steady oak to my weeping willow. The sunshine to my raincloud. The hug to my crossed arms. The smile to my look of worry. The soft whisper to my raucous shout. The twinkle to my blank stare. The flavor to my lack.

We may not know what comes next, but we can enjoy now. The 30 Rock in house band song, "It's Never too Late for Now" has been playing over and over in my head as I watch him enjoy now. And he has strengthened and encouraged me to set aside the whatifs and focus on the nowwhats. And what's now is our garden.

Carefully he planned and figured out the spacing, the cost, together we poured over seeds and flowers. Our dinner table conversations centered on soil depth and bean pole teepees and mulch. In the evenings while watching television or reading together we discussed garden pests and natural pesticides. He spent hours shopping for lumber, even more time building the garden box and constructing rabbit proof fences and teaching our little folks how to plant seeds.

And now it is finished. Beautifully so. A physical testament to enjoying right now. We don't know how soon we'll be sent elsewhere. Not sure if we will reap all the rewards of our garden, enjoy its bounty. But for now we can find assurance in the peaceful evenings pulling weeds, tucking the mulch around each plant a little snugger, misting it dutifully and waiting eagerly for the tiny buds. And right now, it's enough.

Before Morning Comes

While the sky is still dark and before the bugle call of morning, two little feet trudge down the long hallway, dragging behind a menagerie of stuffed friends and sometimes a blanket.

If I'm not in a deep sleep the ribbon of light from the hallway stripes across our bed and I see the little figure standing in the doorway, regarding us at our rest. Swiftly and silently he clambers over pillows and knees and nestles in between us.

When his head is on the pillow and his breath is even, eyelashes fanning his cheeks I regard him, picturing a day in the not so distant future. He will be tall and strong and accomplished. He will no longer seek us out for nighttime comfort and cuddles. His world, the center of it will have changed. Grown up and out of our house, out of our arms and into new experiences, new relationships, new loves...

So for this little while I will open my arms, share just a little piece of my resting moments with this little boy who is afraid, who needs assurance. Give a little and he will learn to give too I hope..

My Place

I have long been searching for a place to fit. My niche as it were. Like the cozy, comfortable way my son fits in the crook of my arm during a 3 AM feeding, like the way my favorite jeans, faded and torn feel as I slide into them on yet another Saturday morning.

Sometimes I feel akin to a will o the wisp, blown off center without warning or inclination, without its own choosing. I have blown this way and that into rough and calm winds, into torrents of rain, into warm, gentle breezes. I have lain stranded, water borne through places not of my own choosing.

Born into a world rife with religion, a dash of sincerity here, a sprinkle of wit, a little touch of mimicry-I was built on the factory lines of faith. And yet here I sit with 30 knocking at my back door and at times I find it hard to find my rhythm. Holding court for approval has been my game-a master at interpreting a look, a sigh, a gesture and meeting the need unasked. Can I help you? has been the response of my life.

And after years of filling in the empty spaces of others I find myself too big to fit there anymore. Like Cain in the Bible, cursed to wander without a homeland,a place to lay his head I find the yawning urge within me to put down roots, to stay, to be.

My life thus far has been a series of cutoffs, ending one relationship, beginning another, ending that relationship, on to the next one. After years of it and now looking down the barrel of my own disconnectedness I'm quite positive its part of my DNA.

Marrying young, so in love and full of hope, yet with the big uncomfortable question mark inside me. Where do I belong? And now with our days full of boisterous tiny folk and the busyness of family life I find the ache of belonging to is stilled. But yet there is more to be..

I need to wipe my feet on a dusty doormat, pull up a rocker on a front porch of welcome and be home. Not a home I borrow from those who offer me shelter, not a place I snatch at gratefully, having no other option, not a place to get by at, pass time there, while away the marching hours.

A home with bricks so familiar I can trace each and every line, a staircase that leads me much deeper than just the heart of the home, a kitchen shining with the promise of good days to come, a backyard garden brimming with possibilities, and a roof that shelters because I chose it just for me. My place. Mine. Just for me. A place I can call my own. Something tells me it's not that far away. Just around the next bend perhaps.

Rain Rain

It is cold and wet today, it has been for the better part of this past week. Mud and puddles and the like. Soaking wet hair and drippy boots and smiles from ear to ear in our corner of the world. Even though the grayness hangs about my shoulders and the sky holds the same pallor, in my heart there is music.

I snapshot the wide grin on my husband's stubbly face and watch my long legged wide eyed little people twirl and spin in the wet grass and pour buckets and buckets of water on an already wet porch. Running eagerly to clutch small umbrellas in even smaller hands and skip and sing in unison.

Chubby legs stuffed into squat little boots stumble and slide, trudging through the soaking square of lawn, following the rest. "Da, da da.", he cries, reaching to encircle one of Tim's large fingers in his small fist.

A day many could argue is a throwaway, what with the chill and puddles and ever emptying clouds. Not my three. This day is one for the books. They savor every last drop. And so do I, watching them through the porch window, standing beside them as we plot the space for our soon coming garden, staring up at the rain pouring down on us all.