Walk by Hello: My Place

31 March 2011

My Place

I have long been searching for a place to fit. My niche as it were. Like the cozy, comfortable way my son fits in the crook of my arm during a 3 AM feeding, like the way my favorite jeans, faded and torn feel as I slide into them on yet another Saturday morning.

Sometimes I feel akin to a will o the wisp, blown off center without warning or inclination, without its own choosing. I have blown this way and that into rough and calm winds, into torrents of rain, into warm, gentle breezes. I have lain stranded, water borne through places not of my own choosing.

Born into a world rife with religion, a dash of sincerity here, a sprinkle of wit, a little touch of mimicry-I was built on the factory lines of faith. And yet here I sit with 30 knocking at my back door and at times I find it hard to find my rhythm. Holding court for approval has been my game-a master at interpreting a look, a sigh, a gesture and meeting the need unasked. Can I help you? has been the response of my life.

And after years of filling in the empty spaces of others I find myself too big to fit there anymore. Like Cain in the Bible, cursed to wander without a homeland,a place to lay his head I find the yawning urge within me to put down roots, to stay, to be.

My life thus far has been a series of cutoffs, ending one relationship, beginning another, ending that relationship, on to the next one. After years of it and now looking down the barrel of my own disconnectedness I'm quite positive its part of my DNA.

Marrying young, so in love and full of hope, yet with the big uncomfortable question mark inside me. Where do I belong? And now with our days full of boisterous tiny folk and the busyness of family life I find the ache of belonging to is stilled. But yet there is more to be..

I need to wipe my feet on a dusty doormat, pull up a rocker on a front porch of welcome and be home. Not a home I borrow from those who offer me shelter, not a place I snatch at gratefully, having no other option, not a place to get by at, pass time there, while away the marching hours.

A home with bricks so familiar I can trace each and every line, a staircase that leads me much deeper than just the heart of the home, a kitchen shining with the promise of good days to come, a backyard garden brimming with possibilities, and a roof that shelters because I chose it just for me. My place. Mine. Just for me. A place I can call my own. Something tells me it's not that far away. Just around the next bend perhaps.

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Pecan Cream Cheese Icing:

8 ounces cream cheese
1 stick unsalted butter
1 (1-pound) box confectioners' sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 cup chopped toasted pecans

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Butter 3 (9-inch) cake pans with 1 tablespoon of the butter and set aside. In a large bowl, cream the butter with an electric mixer. Add the sugar, and beat. In a medium bowl or on a piece of parchment, combine the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt, and mix well.

Add the dry ingredients, alternating with the eggs, beating well after the addition of each. Add the vanilla extract and mix. Add the carrots and beat on medium speed until well incorporated, about 2 minutes. Fold in the nuts. Divide between the 3 cake pans and bake until set and a cake tester inserted into the middle comes out clean, 25 to 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and let rest in the cake pans for 10 minutes. Invert onto wire racks, remove from the pans, and let cool.

For the Frosting: In a large bowl, cream together the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Add the sugar gradually, beating constantly. Add the vanilla and pecans.

When the cake is cool, place 1 cake layer on a cake plate or stand. Spread the top with cream cheese frosting and top with a second and third cake layer, spreading the icing between each layer. Spread the icing around the sides of the cake and let harden slightly before serving. To serve, cut into wedges.