7

Here's to 7 amazing years with a man I couldn't have even dreamed up. I love you Tim. Thanks for walking through it all with me...

Settling

Parenting is a series of experiments. If you combine A and B then you will most often not get the C you planned for. But sometimes you will and those moments are priceless. When you finally see that little image of you catching onto something you have been working with them at for what seems like eons you feel like you've got the world on a string....

Early on I felt that erring on the side of the law would get me further...make life simpler...help them to learn more quickly. But rarely when you use force whether with child or adult do you get positive results...why do we choose to follow the same route everyone else always has just because? I feel that struggle sometimes...the longing for everything to fit into a neat little space..for the small people to just listen, follow directions...stop questioning.

A small question keeps rearing its head within me..are they learning anything from this? Obeying without question at times is necessary. But is it wrong to ask why, to need to understand why you're being asked to do something and then follow through because you understand and agree rather than you're afraid of a consequence? Seems to me we need more people who make decisions because they understand the whys rather than just blindly following the crowd...

Tim and I have been laughing lately at the absolute mayhem that is our life. As Lincoln said, "I laugh because I must not weep, that is all, that is all." The latest news here is that deployment looms in the very near future unless we move which would then be in about a month and a half.. Absolute madness.. Not sure quite where we fit sometimes...wishing for a place with roots.. Many around here have front porch plaques that read; "Home is where the Army sends us." I must confess I have had moments of eye narrowing and silent cursing that sometimes frustrating reality. By the same token there is something noble and worthwhile and essential about this sort of life. Keeps us working and appreciating life and each other and freedom.

Bob Dylan put it quite well, "You gotta serve Somebody" and at the end of the day continually putting a life of service and a patience to wait for what really matters can bring something invaluable to our family table...Because of the uncertainty we have wrestled over and made the decision to homeschool at the least for the first few years. The possibility of moving some place for one year and then onto the next place does not bode well for their early education. But homeschooling (God bless those of you who make it work) was not something I desired for us. I do worry about the social integration and the lack of peer contacts, so we have dance class and swim lessons and playground activities and AWANA and all of those in place to make up for that...

So we are at an even greater place of uncertainty. We could receive word next week..we could be waiting several more months..Tim could head out for another year away or we could move in a matter of weeks...Who knows? I am finally coming to a place of settling down to the idea of never settling down....

Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed..plunged into a deep swirling pool of decisions and dilemmas and responsibilities. Weighted down with visions of future, sadness from the past..dreams for the present. Buried in cerebral pursuits I am suddenly, comically brought back down to earth..to homey, humble sod by sticky jelly covered fingers clutching at my pantleg..a little monkey like boy wrapped tightly around my waist whispering silly jokes in my ear..a vision of bright curls and merry eyes begging me to come see her back porch chalk drawing...

Often I am not as involved..connected...excited about their world as I would like to be. Sometimes I get too old, set in my ways..trying so hard to be an adult...fix my problems..accomplish my list of tasks. Brows furrowed and hands grabbing at this and that..trying for the 4th time that morning to pick up the crayons from the floor...gather up the pillows tossed around the living room..chiding myself for not dusting behind the television/cleaning behind the refrigerator/repainting the ceiling/ scrubbing each and every floor tile with a toothbrush and a fingernail to get it spotless. And still it comes...never enough time and never enough done...And when I live in this space..above that shining realm of imagination and wonder that seems to reside below hip level..right at the eye level of little munchkins I am just that..old.

Old is not an age they say, it's a state of mind. Never is it truer than on the days I forget to laugh..get too busy for a fairy tea party or a game of hopfrog or sitting cross legged on the floor..available for them...around to listen. Strangely and wondrously enough I find the days that I have marked out time to just be there..around to hear the latest adventures of Johnny Spaceman..hunt for a perfect spot to catch mayflies or mix up a perfectly gooey batch of mudpies..are the days I can truly speak into their little hearts...Never before are there so many eager questions..about God..about life...about whys and whats and everything in between...And never do I feel such a connection to what truly matters...May I never get too rigid to roll around on the floor for awhile..too busy to give full attention to a spooky story special made by a 4 year old with deep chocolate brown eyes...too stressed to set down my broom to feel the weight of chubby arms around my neck and sweet slobbery kisses on my ear...

Thanks alot for the cookie mom, my little guy said while heading out of the kitchen...No...thank you.. for more than you'll ever know...

Live

Lately I feel the increasing need to unplug, to step back, reexamine. Reading way too many self help books; overcome disorder, gain resilience, build a stronger family, be a better mother, wife, person, eat better, exercise more mindfully....Aah! My mind is completely overwashed by it all. Swimming in all the tips and ideas and stories and whatifs. Too much of a good thing..you know...

So is there a book for those who read too many self help books? Way to break that addiction? Smile..Sigh. So its off the tips and tricks for awhile although well and good. Because really there's only one Author who knows about my life specifically and personally, my situation, my dreams... and at the end of the day I can apply all of these principles and still come woefully short...

So I'm at the place right now... A little short..a little weary of it all... Time for time to just sit..to be... reflect and just live. I don't want to be reading about how to live my life all the while it's going on by me...

Positively Royal

Ok, I admit it. I couldn't help but get caught up in the joyous celebration of a royal wedding. The bustling preparations..the pomp and glamour..the simple beautiful love story...I however am not enough of a hardcore royalmaniac to get up before dawn to watch the proceedings. No dears, I slept comfortably while all was beginning, content to DVR and watch at leisure. And somehow it wove itself neatly into our Saturday..the normal lazy morning and puttering around in the backyard..a visit to a farm enjoying creamery ice cream...I managed to find a package of Pims and a bouquet of mini blush pink roses for the table...everyone seemed to take up the excitement..my excitement. At Natalie's request she and Adam danced for us and he even assented to present her with a bouquet...Will spun circles during the processional and the Pims were passed around...."He's looking at us, the Prince is waving at us!" was the exclaim as we watched the cars make their ways to the church.. "How beautiful it is!"

Celebrating the little things...though distant and far removed from our daily life is necessary, integral...For in joining in the revelry and merrymaking a world away we were cementing all that is true and good and joyful in our little corner of the world....

Boy

My boy is a seeker. He wants attention, affection and he wants to know why.

Why don't the clouds fall out of the sky?

How far away is the center of the earth?

When I grow up can I be Superman?

Why do I have to go to the doctor?

Will we go on vacation/move to a new house/visit the bookstore/have a race before I get shots? (A question he asks several times every day). His life is lived in the period B.S. (before shots), they are his constant dread..

He is sympathetic and warm one moment, the next he is bold and fearless and rough, wanting space, showing his burgeoning independence.

Every day I watch him dream and run and learn and grow and I cannot help but be thankful for the gift to know and encourage and laugh with and love this little boy so soon to be a man....

A birthday

A little guy at our house turned 4 today. And what a day it was. Early risers excited to tear open the pile of gifts and get started with the celebration... Once the Superman suit was on it was time to break out the fun. Rocket ships and flying saucers replete with aliens zoomed through the rooms..helicopters and superheroes followed at a fast clip and in the midst of it all Will gave chase back and forth around and around, not really playing with anything but excited to be in the midst of the birthday madness as it were.

As usual Adam ran laps back and forth from front door to back, only this time he was wearing a red cape and according to him, "Mom did you see how I ran even faster than when I was fwee because now I'm four!"

Then it was off to church where Nat and Adam gave an interesting interchange in front of the congregation during what was supposed to be the children's choir presentation. Hitting upon uncharacteristic moments of shyness they withered before the congregation with Adam taking a seat yet still carrying on a conversation with Natalie who remained frozen on the edge of the singing group. Then halfway through the next song Natalie loudly took her leave of the group and both children, by now arguing loudly, had to be ushered out of the sanctuary.

While they were in class and Tim preaching I realized I had lost my car key(or so I thought). At which point Will and I decided to hoof it home to pick up another key and a stroller and make it back before church ended. I planned for a long walk, however I didn't take into account the heat, my flimsy ballet flats, my long billowing dress, or the fact that my already healthy awake child would soon be a dead weight soundly asleep in my arms. With screaming muscles I made it down the last hill and around the corner to our street, meeting with the one person I was hoping not to see in my present state, carried on a cursory polite conversation and trudged wearily the last few steps to our lawn where I stood transfixed, staring up at our house. It was as though I walked into a Walt Disney film. There were I kid you not at least 5-7 birds; robins, cardinals, sparrows swooping in and out of our front porch, alighting on our hanging stars, chirping and warbling. Home never looked so sweet. A mile and a half never felt so long...

And soon the rest of the family rolled in with the birthday boy ready for smiley face fries (a special concession) and chattering about space and rockets and heaven. We had a lovely lunch, a delicious bite of cake and rounded out the day with a little foraging in the garden, a few footraces and homemade pizza. A sweet, comfortable end to an oftimes exhausting day. And Nat and Adam were overjoyed to start their long awaited sleepover and the upstairs has been ringing with laughter ever since....