Good Intentions

I have a hard time walking out big changes sometimes. So used to being one of the group. Going along with the general consensus. Known as the compliant one. Agreeable. Easy. Malleable. Yet there is another part of me that struggles for independence. To take a stand. Be different. Weigh the risk and take the chance. For years I have been attempting to bring a more healthy sense of purpose to our family's eating habits. Always thought we were doing quite well actually. Applesauce and raw carrots, veggies with dinner and bananas at breakfast. No more than 1 or 2 sweets a day. Not bad really.

But there was much more to it. I hadn't even opened the door to the possibilities. And now with our 4th little one on the way and a lifestyle focused on family and self improvements, trying to be the best we can be, do the best we can with what we're given..how can I ignore the truth about what we're putting in our mouths? it is astonishing to see the reaction when I attempt to share what I'm learning.

Chewing gum destroys digestive juices and includes the same additives as jet fuel and embalming fluid.

The reasonably safe, simple, healthy looking light yogurt or the vibrantly colored ice pops that used to fill our fridge and freezer contain dyes that cause cancer, the same ingredients as the petroleum we put in our cars.

The sugars in that innocent, refreshing can of soda I used to look forward to at the end of the day eventually build up to cause tumors within our liver and digestive organs that will most likely lead to some form of cancer...

The supposedly healthy fruits and veggies I would fill my cart with and take pleasure in watching my kids consume are coated with more than 10-20 different pesticides which cause organ decay and illness..not to mention possible cancers..

And milk and butter and cheese..the hallmark of our meal tables come from cows that spend their days standing in their own manure..overworked to the point of exhaustion. The female cow spends the majority of her life milking. For us it would be the equivalent of running 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. What is the quality of that milk we're gleaning from this type of animal? Shot up with hormones. And even more disturbingly cows stomachs do not contain the necessary enzymes to digest the corn which is their main diet. So we shoot them up with antibiotics and hormones to help their bodies digest it. So all of this goes into the meat and milk we consume. Not to mention the GMO (genetically modified) corn they are fed..

I'm not going to shrink back or be embarassed to be different, to ask for more. To want something better for my kids, for my husband, for myself. Just because everyone else does it, just because you grew up that way and it hasn't seemed that harmful does it mean nothing is happening inside of you? How can you guarantee the outcome of this type of eating years down the road?

If we spend the time to educate and clothe and give our children the best start we possibly can in every other area, how can we explain to them why we didn't teach them how to make wise choices with their eating, help them understand how to take care of their bodies? There really isn't an excuse. This isn't no big deal. It's worth the time and money to make this difference. Spend a little more buying the right food. And in the long run you'll spend a whole lot less on medical care. And they will learn an important lesson on what it means to be intentional.

Ebb

It is coming to an end. This last time to carry a child in my womb. And the sweetness carries its drop of bitter. The flutters, the tiny kicks, the melon shaped belly..all signs of the beauty, the wonder, the inexpressible, unbelievable miracle of being one who carries life.

A life carrier. Holding it within myself. And yet fair to bursting to let it out. Soon he will come and the fresh pressed sheet in the cradle will be weighted with a downy head. Nights of semi deep sleep will give way to cracks of morning, slivers of night..weary and wonderful moments of coming to know our little visitor.

Try to hold onto to the precious, the infinite, the irreplaceable moments in this time before birth. In these moments of expectation, of waiting, the laboring and wondering and watching will be over in a flash. And he will be here.

And suddenly this season, this beautiful ripe rich season in my life will give way to another. May my hands open willingly to embrace it. May I not hold on so tightly to this sense of self, this identity in carrying and giving life that I forget to treasure my own. May I ever see the beauty, the magic in the growing gangly, gap toothed tribe that gathers around the dinner table each night. May I find intoxicating their seasons of growth as I watch my own. May we all grow together, underneath and understood by the One who gave life to us all...

Undone

No one prepares you for the true weight of raising a child. Learn how to change a diaper. Check. Prepare 3 decent wholesome squares a day. Check. Decorate a bedroom, buy some Dr. Seuss books, a block set, a dolly or a teddy bear. Check. Give hugs and kisses and relate lessons in a singsongy high pitched voice. Check.

Those things are simple. Seem to come easily if you forge that connection early. Realize the power of your presence. The wonder of this little life, unfashioned, unfocused, unshaped in your hands. But no one tells you, can ever fully prepare you for the sheer exhaustion, the coming to the end of yourself over and over and again. The desperation to find a simple solution, a workable plan to solve bedtime struggles or mealtime tantrums. It isn't that easy. And I guess it shouldn't be. A child isn't a fully blank slate. Trying to erase what is already written on the slate is a travesty. My thoughts for yours. My preferences cancel out yours. Wrong.

I am beyond myself with the fatigue of trying to help Will stay down for a nap (which he still desperately needs) feel comfortable and secure and abide by boundaries for bedtime (which he is insecure and fearful of). The crib is too confining, the toddler bed too new and scary. Trying to raise 3 little people while another is on the way is more than taxing. Definitely question myself in moments.

Wouldn't trade this for the world. Would however like to pause this for a week of straight sleep!

Everything

Everything feels so close right now.
The past. The future. Here and now.
Creeping in and over me.
Cloaking me with questions and excitement
Joy and worry.
It all feels so real
And yet that I can't quite grasp it all
Hold it still. Make it wait.

Changes everyday.
Stillness and moments that seem the same.
Life upon life
Dreams upon tears
Waiting for something
Learning I can't keep it from breaking.
Giving up what once was.
Opening my eyes to what will be.

Hooray for 2012!

Babies...are angels of God in disguise. His sunlight still gleams in their tresses. His glory still gleams in their eyes. Charles M. Dickinson


As we welcome in a fresh New Year we anticipate the coming of a new little Behnke baby!

A Moment

A precious milestone has been passed. A once even row of baby teeth now proudly gapes an opening for a new addition. Our little girl, our firstborn, the baby we jostled on our laps while typing term papers and carried in a Baby Bjorn along with knapsacks of books and binders to the university library, the little girl who played football in the backyard with us on lazy Sunday afternoons, pigtails flying, face scrunched in determination, quick to laugh, reach for Daddy's hand, give me a great big sloppy kiss...

Natalie has lost her first tooth. Calmly she came to me between loads of laundry. "Guess what Mom, my tooth just fell right out!" She spent her evening making a card for the tooth fairy, promising to stay up quietly to watch for her coming...Nothing could match her excitement this morning when the tiny white tooth was replaced by two shiny quarters. "She even took the card! I saw her Mom, I saw her flying in and she gave me a kiss
and I asked her to go kiss Adam while he was sleeping!"

Another magic moment. Another priceless memory.

Just a Question

Why is it that when relatives/friends come to visit your normal children seem to vanish into thin air replaced by droids or some sort of strange alien beings that are vaguely familiar but no less disturbing...?

Mine were just that over this Thanksgiving holiday. Squabbling and bickering over the smallest thing, crying literally over spilt milk or being refused a second dessert or having to share a turn or a seat at the table or a chance to speak.

Why? Why did my once beaming, sunny 2 year old morph into a writhing,wailing mess? Just when it's time to show off all the progress they've made in learning to read and write their names and ride a bike...we fall off the edge of sanity and it's a total game change.

It has been enough to make my head swim and fogginess to descend. Are we doing something wrong? Have we missed the boat somewhere? Maybe it's simple. Maybe our kids are as human as we are. Maybe they have bad days too where the lack of sleep, too many rich foods, overexcitement from new visitors takes its toll. Maybe 3 and a half days isn't enough to get an accurate snapshot of what a family is really made of.

Maybe I should give myself a break too. Between money stresses and never enough time to complete anything (I have been reading the same book for the past month and a half), not even finishing my morning tea yet. The unfinished career plans looming in the distance. The whatifs about schooling and sports and lessons and moving AGAIN. It's all getting a little too overwhelming again I get mired in all the details and forget to gaze at the sky. We're bigger than this. Our love, our dreams for our family..we are bigger than money stresses and tantrums and exhaustion and fears. And we have a big God who can hold it all in the palm of His hand. I don't have to be so big and so strong and so perfect...He is.