I hear myself quoting Scriptures, recalling the life of Christ, how he treated others, how he looks on us. I listen to myself and I hear the past, voices of my parents, repetition of the same thoughts and ideas. Is it real to me? I stop myself for a moment, three pairs of solemn brown eyes regarding me. Does this have weight and meaning for me now, in this world we live in, in this moment fraught with tension and feelings of dissension. It does. They do. Somehow these are not just words, it was not just one man's journey. The power of that revolution, the passion of that heavenly Prince leaving grandeur to seek me out just the way I am, captures my heart again. There is weight in how I live each day. The way I go about my work, the way I take time for ones smaller and quiet their insistence, teach them to love peace, to seek out a quiet moment to study, to ponder, to dream.
Somehow the world outside has become too busy to dream. Always connected to something and yet disconnected from everything. No time to sit in the stillness, appreciate the hush, breathe it in and wonder. At times I love the quiet, the calm, the separation so much I have pulled too far away. Seeking to rectify wounds of the past and distance from hurtful relationships I have also rejected the hope of new friends, new people to bring a dash of difference. I have set my mind to serious study of what it means to be a parent, a mentor, an example. I spend the hours reading and researching and asking questions and attempting to focus on what I'm called to do.
We have decided to take the wooded road, the path that is a little less traveled as it were. Several months ago we cut off cable. We have found such incredible serenity in not having the blaring, clamoring noises filling the background. No bedtime rush to get little ones tucked in so we can catch that program or clear a few more off our Tivo. A long, refreshing breath. Quiet. We have thoughtfully and carefully and prayerfully examined what the example of others brings to our children. Some relationships we have felt necessary to considerably lessen the amount of exposure. They have voiced many questions, perceived so much more in situation than we ever believed. Actions really do speak louder than words. And the words we say are absorbed and then watched to see if the actions follow. "Truth forever on the scaffold. Wrong forever on the throne. Yet the scaffold sways the future and behind the dim unknown, standeth God within the shadow, keeping watch above His own." (James Russell Lowell) So if day in and day out we are striving to show them what truth means to be lived out then it would only make sense that those we spend the most time with would need to be active, living examples of ones striving to live in truth...
More than their growth I find myself growing in this parenting journey. Stretching beyond what I ever thought I could. Learning to give up my desires and wants, learning how to say no, to back up and start again, to have grace for myself. And we are changing, going in new directions, trying new things. Some well meaning family and close friends have expressed displeasure or lack of understanding but our resolve is firm. We have to cut the course, lead in the direction our family must go. With firm conviction and strength of resolve, ever looking higher and further and deeper. Quieting the strident voices outside and not losing focus on the prize. We are raising little men and women here, people who will make a difference. And they can only do that, can only be that if we choose to be different.
