Maybe..

As our littlest guy, Will approaches 18 months I find myself savoring each and every little tidbit of babyhood. The surreptitious grins and games of hide and seek with his mirror reflection, the glee as he enjoys the soft sand on vacation, sliding into it with nary a care. Laying his head on my shoulder as we sit in the shade, humming the Thomas the Tank engine theme over and over again.

His cheerful chirping voice in the morning, round roly poly body marching purposefully, clutching a marker he foraged carefully for, intent on hiding out in a back room doing a little scribbling and some snacking on its colored tip. The powdery soft smell of a clean diaper, curly ringlets framing his face, enjoying his morning eggs with a hearty, emphatic "Mmm!".

The quick staccato "Done! Done!" with bobbing head to be let out of his highchair or help clambering out of his bath.

Done? I'm not sure I'm done yet. Not ready to close that nursery door and pack away the tiny blue rainboots and highchair. As hectic and loud and mind boggling parenting and all that comes with it can be it is beautiful all the same. A beautiful mess. Sometimes it all gets so crazy and absolutely overwhelming that I have no other choice but to sit in the middle of tumbledown couch cushions and broken apart train tracks and graham cracker crumbs and smile.

And something tells me I haven't seen the last of firsts. That hallowed, hushed first moment after birth, the heaving and pushing and struggling and exertion ended...Stillness, calm, and a slick, wet, slippery little body with puckered lips and bleary eyes is laid on your chest. The tiny newcomer's soft eyes lock with your own and at that moment beyond any other you believe; somehow fairy land and fate and the possibility of a Heavenly Force seem tangible, possible, close.

Moments like that are irreplaceable, unexplainable. And the possibility, the chance to have that and all that follows just one more time makes me rethink packing away the onesies.

Maybe just one more...

Shocking

Okay so for a while I have been valiantly trying to weave healthy choices into our daily diet. But honestly I am shocked to read of the pesticides that are on our fruits and vegetables, the Dirty Dozen as they are called represent most of our exposure to pesticides in a given day.

In fact if we choose to buy these 12 organically or eliminate them and find other alternatives we will cut out over 90% of our pesticide exposure.

1. Apples

2. Bell Peppers

3. Celery

4. Grapes (Imported)

5. Potatoes

6. Red Raspberries

7. Spinach

8. Strawberries

9. Corn

10. Nectarines

11. Pears

12. Blueberries (these alone have been treated with 52 kinds of pesticides)

As disconcerting as these facts are we can't shut our eyes to them. What kinds of things are we unknowingly putting into our bodies and worse our little people? What will the effects be in years to come?

Tiny Dancer

Here's to our gorgeous little Natalie who is showing herself to be quite the ballet dancer!

My Condolences

Better late than never. Let me offer a smile of condolence to the Tarheels who were royally flogged on Sunday afternoon. RIP

Blue Streak

What can I say about last nights Duke/UNC game? Somehow the pretty powder blue uniforms with argyle accents found a foothold and won the game. Somehow the legendary 3 pointers missed their mark and Coach K's time tested strategies failed.

A fluke really. Working out some kinks before the big games,the real games. So I'll give you this one Tarheels, you seemed in fine form last night. And no one can deny your impressive rise to strength during this season. Roy Williams deserves a handshake and a good natured slap on the back. But none of this points to a championship win.

"Look, when we get on the bus our record is 0-0, Kryzyzewski said about the ACC tournament. We have to prepare for the next part of our season. This was a big game but the upcoming games are the biggest games. The games we will play in the next few weeks are the biggest and most important games."

So all you Duke naysayers be warned. We have only just begun..

So Much

Busy with the business of life... That's where I've been. Business makes you think of work, duty, not fun. But when I stop to reflect, to sit cross legged on the floor for a minute, to steal a kiss or a squeeze around the middle..I'm floored. It is rapturously sweet at times, immersed in the the bubbling euphoria of babyhood and the dreams of little people..The world is at their feet, shining and new and each day they wake with hope, anticipation. And I learn a little bit more about loving God from them...

Life is too exciting to walk...and so they run, pigtails flying, favorite teddy bears or blankies dragged along for the ride...everything meant to be tasted and enjoyed..

Changes are coming, have come...New decisions, a bend in the road we didn't expect. And yet they march on, the sun still shines, clouds clear and merciful sleep finds us eventually each night.

Adam is almost 4, his world inhabited by imaginary friends. From a Lego airplane to a sketch of a rabbit, each one becomes real and is given a set of adventures. He plays hard, runs fast, hugs fiercely and wrestles with his wants and the rules of home. His speediness gives way to emotional exhaustion and for a moment at night he is small again, wanting comfort, not needing to be brave or the winner. Just needing a snuggle and a story...

Natalie is boisterous and self assured, not afraid to argue for what she wants, to push ahead of the rest. Clever and quick witted, moods quickly changing from dark raincloud to a sunburst without warning. With deft fingers she creates beautiful drawings, builds elaborate creations, Almost 6, one moment clambering around pretending to be a kitty cat, the next racing her brother down the hill..A ballerina, a superhero, a fairytale princess, a weepy little girl.. Each day she plays different roles, we as her supporting cast.. Never a dull moment...Quick to soothe a hurt, offer a warm blanket to a sad hearted brother, come up with a game for a moment of boredom, she makes sunshine from scratch...

Will is a big 16 months(almost), jolly, rosy cheeked and dimpled of limbs, he walks with a swagger, cowboylike, surveying his territory. Home. A mass of tangled curls like his siblings and the same shining, clear eyed gaze, he is showing the makings of a fierce contender as well. He does not shrink back from jumping right into the fray while Natalie and Adam are fighting, a tangled mass of arms and legs twisting and in he goes, reaching boldly for the same toy they are both feuding over...Just as quickly the brave heart gives way to ragged sobs, running for comfort when a door is closed in his face or a relished opportunity (a good game of drop things in the toilet) is refused. He hums to himself as he trudges along, dragging along a roll of toilet paper, the tray off his highchair, a plunger he foraged in the closet for... A taster of life...

And Tim and I keep rolling along. Without tongue in cheek or any sugarcoated saccharin pretense I say we are MORE today than we have ever been. We are able to laugh more, give more, hope more, love more. As we have given each other room to grow and change and make mistakes we have learned more about love than any book could ever teach. Somehow we have gained that foundation of peace, that otherworldly knowledge that no matter what is thrown at us...we have MORE, we are MORE..we will be MORE..

And so I'm watching a page beginning to turn, on the cusp of another chapter of our lives and I can say without regret, I wouldn't be anywhere else..I'm not missing what's next...

Is there a doctor in the house?