Walk by Hello

Hooray for 2012!

2011-12-31T10:25:00.000-08:00

Babies...are angels of God in disguise. His sunlight still gleams in their tresses. His glory still gleams in their eyes. Charles M. Dickinson

As we welcome in a fresh New Year we anticipate the coming of a new little Behnke baby!

A Moment

2011-12-02T12:27:00.000-08:00

A precious milestone has been passed. A once even row of baby teeth now proudly gapes an opening for a new addition. Our little girl, our firstborn, the baby we jostled on our laps while typing term papers and carried in a Baby Bjorn along with knapsacks of books and binders to the university library, the little girl who played football in the backyard with us on lazy Sunday afternoons, pigtails flying, face scrunched in determination, quick to laugh, reach for Daddy's hand, give me a great big sloppy kiss...

Natalie has lost her first tooth. Calmly she came to me between loads of laundry. "Guess what Mom, my tooth just fell right out!" She spent her evening making a card for the tooth fairy, promising to stay up quietly to watch for her coming...Nothing could match her excitement this morning when the tiny white tooth was replaced by two shiny quarters. "She even took the card! I saw her Mom, I saw her flying in and she gave me a kiss
and I asked her to go kiss Adam while he was sleeping!"

Another magic moment. Another priceless memory.

Just a Question

2011-12-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when relatives/friends come to visit your normal children seem to vanish into thin air replaced by droids or some sort of strange alien beings that are vaguely familiar but no less disturbing...?

Mine were just that over this Thanksgiving holiday. Squabbling and bickering over the smallest thing, crying literally over spilt milk or being refused a second dessert or having to share a turn or a seat at the table or a chance to speak.

Why? Why did my once beaming, sunny 2 year old morph into a writhing,wailing mess? Just when it's time to show off all the progress they've made in learning to read and write their names and ride a bike...we fall off the edge of sanity and it's a total game change.

It has been enough to make my head swim and fogginess to descend. Are we doing something wrong? Have we missed the boat somewhere? Maybe it's simple. Maybe our kids are as human as we are. Maybe they have bad days too where the lack of sleep, too many rich foods, overexcitement from new visitors takes its toll. Maybe 3 and a half days isn't enough to get an accurate snapshot of what a family is really made of.

Maybe I should give myself a break too. Between money stresses and never enough time to complete anything (I have been reading the same book for the past month and a half), not even finishing my morning tea yet. The unfinished career plans looming in the distance. The whatifs about schooling and sports and lessons and moving AGAIN. It's all getting a little too overwhelming again I get mired in all the details and forget to gaze at the sky. We're bigger than this. Our love, our dreams for our family..we are bigger than money stresses and tantrums and exhaustion and fears. And we have a big God who can hold it all in the palm of His hand. I don't have to be so big and so strong and so perfect...He is.

And it's on

2011-11-23T20:53:00.000-08:00

The Thanksgiving preparations have begun in our house. Some are more excited than others at the prospect of nonstop baking and prepping. We have the added benefit of an extra day... with out of town family coming in we have moved the actual big meal to Friday. But we have spared no effort in our planned meal list. Let us plan well and hope for success. Better to set the bar a little high I think. And it won't hurt that I'm a bit of a food network junkie.

An herb butter slathered turkey (fresh this year) and spatchcocked with a roasting pan full of root vegetables (caramelized and delicious)

Homemade cornbread, bacon and apple stuffing. (a first!)

Roasted garlic broccoli (a meal in itself)

Overnight creamy mashed potatoes (with a masher/no mixer here!)

Cloverleaf rolls (someone keep me away)

Homemade whole berry cranberry sauce (beats the can everytime)

And so much more once Tim's mom gets here and adds her expertise to the table.

Might I take a moment to gush about the highlight of our experience this Thanksgiving- the desserts!

A chocolate bourbon pecan pie.

Maple pumpkin pie with cinnamon crumble and maple infuse whipped cream (homemade)

Emeril's carrot cake with vanilla cream cheese frosting and almond crunch garnish

Cherry cobbler

Black and white cupcakes

Dipped pretzels...and it goes on. I hope you've enjoyed my oversharing about our holiday feast.. we will keep our fingers crossed on my first foray into hosting this grand occasion....

A Trip

2011-11-23T20:06:00.000-08:00

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The traveling Behnkes are back in action. After a bit of a hiatus we headed out on the road again. Tim had a conference he was conducting in the Appalachian Mtns. at a beautiful resort/spa. The nights were a tad long and lacking quality rest despite the adjoining rooms. Mealtimes were kind of beyond crazy at certain moments. Picture a huge beautiful room with beamed ceilings and crackling fireplace and smooth oak tables with quiet couples eating and laughing or calm families passing plates. Enter me, several bags slung over my shoulders, juggling sippy cups and a 2 year old with two exhausted but hopeful little folks trudging behind me. Buffet lacked yogurt, any type of familiar cereal, eggs were bland and watery. So after scrounging what we could (No bananas?) we headed to our table laden with goblets and silverware neatly arranged in cloth napkins and several china plates. (Yes, we do not often go out to dinner with our little people). Did I mention our table was in the center of the room? All eyes on us.

Breakfast lasted all of 17 minutes from the minute I stumbled through the doors to the minute herded out. Most of the silverware ended up on the floor. Milk was spilled, there was a minor slapfight, heads were bumped on the table..Needless to say we weren't quiet. I could almost hear the staff's smiles spreading across their faces as we finally left. And we did it again for lunch and dinner. Brave new world. Eating out. Don't think we'll be doing that too often for the next couple years.

Our trip was so much more than meals. But it's hard not to mention something so significant I broke out in a cold sweat before crossing the dining room threshold.

We went to "Goats on the Roof" an amazing down home country store with goats actually living in elaborate obstacle courses on the rooftops. They had a bicycle device which powered a cup of goat feed which was sent up to them as you pedaled.

We went for long hikes on the golf cart only road and were soon forced off. We played Star Wars tag on the back lawn, a pillow fight got out of hand and Adam ended up with a bloody nose and a split lip. We tasted life on this weekend. Let me tell you. And now as proof of my exhaustion I have published this post with duplicate photos..Zzzz

A Camping Trip

2011-11-16T12:16:00.000-08:00

For a day and half we decided to throw our schedule: bedtime/bath routine, methodical dinnertimes, chores and must do's out the window and head out a on a brief but event filled campout.

Found a beautiful spot by the river. Collected pinecones and acorns and firewood and marched around like Indians, roast toasted gooey marshmallows and made the newly invented Double Chocolate S'more (we Behnkes just skip the graham cracker and sandwich the mallow between two slabs of chocolate) yum!

The night was nothing less than freezing cold (bone chillingly so; our mattress deflated midway through, somehow we had brought a lightweight tent so the not so summer wind was blowing through the entire night. Needless to say with Will and I in one tent and Tim and Nat and Adam in the other, someone was always awake.

But then came that morning stillness with it's calm and smoky campfire smell and crackling and crisp coldness that makes you feel alive. And then it was time for a kayak ride or two before heading back home.

Definitely cold. Definitely exhausting. Completely worth it. Completely worth doing again.

BOO!

2011-11-04T19:35:00.001-07:00

It was a super Halloween at our house. A perfect night for crime fighting and candy collecting. We certainly made our mark on the neighborhoods we canvassed. Especially Batman's little sidekick. It took much persuasion to pry the candy bucket out of his hands, he finally relinquished it to sit on his dresser where he could gaze at it before falling asleep. "Eat candy..nem nems (M&M's) yum!", were his last whispered words before sleep claimed him.

Having Cake

2011-11-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

It was a big bright beautiful day. Our little boy, our deployment baby, the little one who rocked contentedly in his swing and gurgled at me while I did the dishes and stayed up late nights doing laundry, who snuggled sweetly on our shoulders and helped the long year apart pass that much faster...The flying little feet that rush to the front door to greet Daddy each afternoon, the chubby hands that always reach for mine "C'mon Mom..come see..come with me Mom." The great solemn brown eyes that regard us seriously as we dole out a discipline or share a word of caution..the sweet smile that fills my heart with warmth each time I glimpse it.. the chirping voice we hear singing in his crib each night, "Always, always, I'll follow Him always.." or singing the weekly Bible verse "God loves a happy giver (or in his pronunciation, "gibber")...His never failing "Kiss me mama, one more kiss and hug.." as I leave his room each nap and bedtime..

Pure joy. Absolute sweetness. Wouldn't trade this, trade him for anything...It is worth it all. The struggle, the exhaustion, the sleeplessness, the worry. What a treasure you are our boy. Happy 2nd Birthday Will!

Settling In

2011-09-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

We have arrived in Georgia! After some scrambling and searching and several missed opportunities we found a nice comfy house on a quiet cul de sac. In the process of unpacking and unloading we have acquired some furry friends. A dog named Hero and a cat named Wall E have rounded out our happy bunch. With a swingset in our big shady tree filled backyard, lots of Play Doh creating and painting and wrestling we are getting attached to this new place.

We have already had a visit from Uncle Andrew and are expecting a big family visit for Thanksgiving. Natalie and Adam are learning to read and add and subtract and Will is learning colors and ABC's (not so much of a baby anymore!) Tim is getting acclimated to serving with the Wounded Warrior Battalion and I am carving out time for writing projects and hoping to get some of them published in the near future.

After all of the stress and surprise and sudden upheaval it is so comforting to again come to the realization that home can be anywhere. Anywhere we all are together.

7

2011-05-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

Here's to 7 amazing years with a man I couldn't have even dreamed up. I love you Tim. Thanks for walking through it all with me...

Settling

2011-05-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

Parenting is a series of experiments. If you combine A and B then you will most often not get the C you planned for. But sometimes you will and those moments are priceless. When you finally see that little image of you catching onto something you have been working with them at for what seems like eons you feel like you've got the world on a string....

Early on I felt that erring on the side of the law would get me further...make life simpler...help them to learn more quickly. But rarely when you use force whether with child or adult do you get positive results...why do we choose to follow the same route everyone else always has just because? I feel that struggle sometimes...the longing for everything to fit into a neat little space..for the small people to just listen, follow directions...stop questioning.

A small question keeps rearing its head within me..are they learning anything from this? Obeying without question at times is necessary. But is it wrong to ask why, to need to understand why you're being asked to do something and then follow through because you understand and agree rather than you're afraid of a consequence? Seems to me we need more people who make decisions because they understand the whys rather than just blindly following the crowd...

Tim and I have been laughing lately at the absolute mayhem that is our life. As Lincoln said, "I laugh because I must not weep, that is all, that is all." The latest news here is that deployment looms in the very near future unless we move which would then be in about a month and a half.. Absolute madness.. Not sure quite where we fit sometimes...wishing for a place with roots.. Many around here have front porch plaques that read; "Home is where the Army sends us." I must confess I have had moments of eye narrowing and silent cursing that sometimes frustrating reality. By the same token there is something noble and worthwhile and essential about this sort of life. Keeps us working and appreciating life and each other and freedom.

Bob Dylan put it quite well, "You gotta serve Somebody" and at the end of the day continually putting a life of service and a patience to wait for what really matters can bring something invaluable to our family table...Because of the uncertainty we have wrestled over and made the decision to homeschool at the least for the first few years. The possibility of moving some place for one year and then onto the next place does not bode well for their early education. But homeschooling (God bless those of you who make it work) was not something I desired for us. I do worry about the social integration and the lack of peer contacts, so we have dance class and swim lessons and playground activities and AWANA and all of those in place to make up for that...

So we are at an even greater place of uncertainty. We could receive word next week..we could be waiting several more months..Tim could head out for another year away or we could move in a matter of weeks...Who knows? I am finally coming to a place of settling down to the idea of never settling down....

Sometimes..

2011-05-10T11:52:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed..plunged into a deep swirling pool of decisions and dilemmas and responsibilities. Weighted down with visions of future, sadness from the past..dreams for the present. Buried in cerebral pursuits I am suddenly, comically brought back down to earth..to homey, humble sod by sticky jelly covered fingers clutching at my pantleg..a little monkey like boy wrapped tightly around my waist whispering silly jokes in my ear..a vision of bright curls and merry eyes begging me to come see her back porch chalk drawing...

Often I am not as involved..connected...excited about their world as I would like to be. Sometimes I get too old, set in my ways..trying so hard to be an adult...fix my problems..accomplish my list of tasks. Brows furrowed and hands grabbing at this and that..trying for the 4th time that morning to pick up the crayons from the floor...gather up the pillows tossed around the living room..chiding myself for not dusting behind the television/cleaning behind the refrigerator/repainting the ceiling/ scrubbing each and every floor tile with a toothbrush and a fingernail to get it spotless. And still it comes...never enough time and never enough done...And when I live in this space..above that shining realm of imagination and wonder that seems to reside below hip level..right at the eye level of little munchkins I am just that..old.

Old is not an age they say, it's a state of mind. Never is it truer than on the days I forget to laugh..get too busy for a fairy tea party or a game of hopfrog or sitting cross legged on the floor..available for them...around to listen. Strangely and wondrously enough I find the days that I have marked out time to just be there..around to hear the latest adventures of Johnny Spaceman..hunt for a perfect spot to catch mayflies or mix up a perfectly gooey batch of mudpies..are the days I can truly speak into their little hearts...Never before are there so many eager questions..about God..about life...about whys and whats and everything in between...And never do I feel such a connection to what truly matters...May I never get too rigid to roll around on the floor for awhile..too busy to give full attention to a spooky story special made by a 4 year old with deep chocolate brown eyes...too stressed to set down my broom to feel the weight of chubby arms around my neck and sweet slobbery kisses on my ear...

Thanks alot for the cookie mom, my little guy said while heading out of the kitchen...No...thank you.. for more than you'll ever know...

Live

2011-05-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel the increasing need to unplug, to step back, reexamine. Reading way too many self help books; overcome disorder, gain resilience, build a stronger family, be a better mother, wife, person, eat better, exercise more mindfully....Aah! My mind is completely overwashed by it all. Swimming in all the tips and ideas and stories and whatifs. Too much of a good thing..you know...

So is there a book for those who read too many self help books? Way to break that addiction? Smile..Sigh. So its off the tips and tricks for awhile although well and good. Because really there's only one Author who knows about my life specifically and personally, my situation, my dreams... and at the end of the day I can apply all of these principles and still come woefully short...

So I'm at the place right now... A little short..a little weary of it all... Time for time to just sit..to be... reflect and just live. I don't want to be reading about how to live my life all the while it's going on by me...

Positively Royal

2011-05-01T18:51:00.001-07:00

Ok, I admit it. I couldn't help but get caught up in the joyous celebration of a royal wedding. The bustling preparations..the pomp and glamour..the simple beautiful love story...I however am not enough of a hardcore royalmaniac to get up before dawn to watch the proceedings. No dears, I slept comfortably while all was beginning, content to DVR and watch at leisure. And somehow it wove itself neatly into our Saturday..the normal lazy morning and puttering around in the backyard..a visit to a farm enjoying creamery ice cream...I managed to find a package of Pims and a bouquet of mini blush pink roses for the table...everyone seemed to take up the excitement..my excitement. At Natalie's request she and Adam danced for us and he even assented to present her with a bouquet...Will spun circles during the processional and the Pims were passed around...."He's looking at us, the Prince is waving at us!" was the exclaim as we watched the cars make their ways to the church.. "How beautiful it is!"

Celebrating the little things...though distant and far removed from our daily life is necessary, integral...For in joining in the revelry and merrymaking a world away we were cementing all that is true and good and joyful in our little corner of the world....

Boy

2011-05-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

My boy is a seeker. He wants attention, affection and he wants to know why.

Why don't the clouds fall out of the sky?

How far away is the center of the earth?

When I grow up can I be Superman?

Why do I have to go to the doctor?

Will we go on vacation/move to a new house/visit the bookstore/have a race before I get shots? (A question he asks several times every day). His life is lived in the period B.S. (before shots), they are his constant dread..

He is sympathetic and warm one moment, the next he is bold and fearless and rough, wanting space, showing his burgeoning independence.

Every day I watch him dream and run and learn and grow and I cannot help but be thankful for the gift to know and encourage and laugh with and love this little boy so soon to be a man....

A birthday

2011-05-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

A little guy at our house turned 4 today. And what a day it was. Early risers excited to tear open the pile of gifts and get started with the celebration... Once the Superman suit was on it was time to break out the fun. Rocket ships and flying saucers replete with aliens zoomed through the rooms..helicopters and superheroes followed at a fast clip and in the midst of it all Will gave chase back and forth around and around, not really playing with anything but excited to be in the midst of the birthday madness as it were.

As usual Adam ran laps back and forth from front door to back, only this time he was wearing a red cape and according to him, "Mom did you see how I ran even faster than when I was fwee because now I'm four!"

Then it was off to church where Nat and Adam gave an interesting interchange in front of the congregation during what was supposed to be the children's choir presentation. Hitting upon uncharacteristic moments of shyness they withered before the congregation with Adam taking a seat yet still carrying on a conversation with Natalie who remained frozen on the edge of the singing group. Then halfway through the next song Natalie loudly took her leave of the group and both children, by now arguing loudly, had to be ushered out of the sanctuary.

While they were in class and Tim preaching I realized I had lost my car key(or so I thought). At which point Will and I decided to hoof it home to pick up another key and a stroller and make it back before church ended. I planned for a long walk, however I didn't take into account the heat, my flimsy ballet flats, my long billowing dress, or the fact that my already healthy awake child would soon be a dead weight soundly asleep in my arms. With screaming muscles I made it down the last hill and around the corner to our street, meeting with the one person I was hoping not to see in my present state, carried on a cursory polite conversation and trudged wearily the last few steps to our lawn where I stood transfixed, staring up at our house. It was as though I walked into a Walt Disney film. There were I kid you not at least 5-7 birds; robins, cardinals, sparrows swooping in and out of our front porch, alighting on our hanging stars, chirping and warbling. Home never looked so sweet. A mile and a half never felt so long...

And soon the rest of the family rolled in with the birthday boy ready for smiley face fries (a special concession) and chattering about space and rockets and heaven. We had a lovely lunch, a delicious bite of cake and rounded out the day with a little foraging in the garden, a few footraces and homemade pizza. A sweet, comfortable end to an oftimes exhausting day. And Nat and Adam were overjoyed to start their long awaited sleepover and the upstairs has been ringing with laughter ever since....

A different kind of Easter

2011-04-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

Somehow this Easter was different. There was the usual last minute scramble to locate wayward stockings, a missing shoe..a lost bow. The uproarious and giggly Easter egg hunt and haggling over splitting the spoils.. The inevitable fights over a toy..tears..pleas..an ensuing chase..a finally out of commission flat iron and the resignation to yet another chignon. A dress I hadn't worn since last summer and planned would work perfectly this Easter ended up being a few inches too short to be proper. A quick iron of a shirt that stubbornly held onto its wrinkles..a quick batch of bread dough to stir up while toting a whiny little man on my hip...And at last that at once exhausting and exhilarating final exhale at the end of it all..we're finally ready.

But through it all there was a new sense of joy in this day..celebration for the big moment..the big God that had triumphed over it all. As we scrunched on the couch for a few last minute pictures I found I was able to breathe easy. Relax. Who cares if a few hairs were out of place or we didn't have matching Easter garb or tiny people decided to wrestle in the church pew?Nothing could shake the beauty of the sun shining through the stained glass windows, the hush of quiet prayers before song..the smiles of wonder on small faces as they glimpsed the cross in front of them, pointing excitedly...I could do no more than just sit back and revel in it all. All of it...everything sweet and poignant and so full of glee came because of this one special day...the day the Rescue was complete...

Bread

2011-04-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

I baked bread today. Rolls really. Honey wheat to be exact. And they were absolutely divine. Scrumptious. I couldn't help gobbling one over my dinner preparations, smeared with smooth butter. Does it get much better? The moment it reached my mouth I felt that same sweet comfort that baked goods always deliver. Why is that?

How can a mixture of flour and butter and honey and yeast feel like a homecoming? Like nothing has changed. You haven't grown bigger and stronger and wiser yet...haven't faced mounds of bills or empty wallets...overflowing laundry baskets and unruly stubborn tempered little folks who send you for a loop...haven't wondered if you've made the right choices with your moments..given enough to those tender little hearts who always seem to need so much...before you've lost touch with someone you once loved..treasured..counted on...before everything had to have an exact and acceptable purpose..you couldn't just do something because you felt like it..because it looked good..because it made you smile...

Just sitting at a sunlit kitchen table smearing butter on simple bread and enjoying it for what it is. And I thought of love. Of what it means to find something so grand..so special..so worthwhile that everything else stops and you sit and savor it.. Long afternoons seem all too short..the darkness and sleep and silence come too soon..Love so real that you taste it on your tongue..feel it warming your face..its light bouncing in your eyes and giving everything meaning..Like bread.

And I thought of the God..my God who came near to me. Close enough to touch. And he sat and broke bread..simple, humble, ordinary bread with folks like me and he made it..holy. Why he chose something so commonplace to represent himself and us (the ones he loves) never captured me in quite this way before. Something to fill up a hungry belly...warm a cold soul...accent a delicious repast. Something that can keep on being broken and shared many times over. Like his love...like our love...like us..Simple bread.

And on this rapturous day of celebration I can't think of anything I'm more thankful for than the simple and divine gift of bread.

Where There's Smoke...

2011-04-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

If anyone happens to see billowing clouds of grey smoke rising from our house-rest assured, I am not trying to signal anyone, neither am I preparing an unusual type of main course for dinner. It all started innocently enough really. In the midst of my mid-afternoon repose, which includes but is not limited to: supervising 2-3 potty breaks..cleaning up a broken dish..unloading and loading the dishwasher at least once..whipping up banana bread while holding a small boy with a face covered in marker streaks..cleaning up aforementioned marker streaks from television screen,carpet and in between tiny white teeth..attempting to decide between Amazing Action Superman and Marvelous Might Superman for a birthday gift order..figuring out how breadcrumbs, several leftover boxes of pasta and a few eggs can constitute a decent supper...and changing a ridiculously messy diaper..I attempted to make old fashioned popcorn.

Instead of creating kernels the blessed machine began to construct an elaborate, black and sticky mass which grew menacingly out of its middle, spilled over the sides and billowed smoke thick enough to coat the neighborhood. All of our smoke alarms are in working order as they sounded the charge for what felt like hours whilst I put my efforts into calming distraught children and cleaning up the goop. That done it's on to rinsing sand out of Will's throat, answering Adam's questions about a lost random toy that I don't even remember and helping Natalie find an unusually small and well hidden beetle...Ah sweet rest..

The In Betweens

2011-04-17T09:48:00.001-07:00

A record amount of tornadoes ripped through our state and several others yesterday. Perfectly astounding as far as I was concerned. Going on about a normal Saturday, clipping coupons, sipping a latte, playing ring a round the rosy and airplane races. On a whim Nat and I decided to go out for a little girl bonding and some shopping. Torrential downpour made it almost impossible for us to see the road, hail the size of golfballs pounded our windshield, streetlights out, cars wrecked on the side of the road, giant trees blocking the highway. Oblivious to everything we were calmly headed for our destination and turning on the radio I soon realized what a dangerous situation we were in.

Thank God we were able to turn around at a blockade, making it back home just as the weather service spotted the tornado 8 miles from us. Gathering little warm bodies, a box of crackers, sippy cups and a battery powered DVD player we hunkered down in our coat closet. Happily they snuggled into a pile of winter coats, singing along with Little Einsteins and passing cheddar crackers all around..giggling..chattering, not even realizing what raged outside us. So close.

As I sat there, legs folded in a pretzel, wedged between two guitars and an old mirror, Will bouncing on my knee I couldn't help but flash to all the normal moments. When nothing big or grand or super exciting is happening. Brushing teeth before bed, laughing at a bubble beard in the bathtub, reading Good Night Moon over and over, pushing a small, wiggling boy on a swing, chasing each other around the backyard, sharing an interesting story over dinner, trying to hear my husband over the clamor of little voices eager to join in, "Who was it?", "Why did they say that?" "What did you say Daddy?", never a private conversation. Singing our dinner prayer, playing dominos, enjoying the crash and clatter, Will earnestly scribbling a picture while cheerfully humming an unintelligible tune..long afternoons reading on the back porch, barely finishing two sentences before needing to rescue someone from an impromptu sprinkler shower, give a push down the slide, catch a wayward beetle or lizard or toad, run a couple of races around the fenceline...

The in betweens. The time when nothing of note (or seemingly so) is taking place, but life is still happening. It's only when the huge, momentous, life changing events happen that you truly realize the sweetness of the simple things. A bear hug..an invitation to read a beloved story...smiles over spoons loaded with cookie batter, more smeared over small faces...a long kiss goodnight...a walk in the early evening, a little girl's hand reaching eagerly for your own...the rush to find you wherever you are because something is so special you must tell mom...the end of the day celebration when daddy comes home...

All of it so poignant, so full, so splendid and yet often I miss it waiting for the big moments..or getting caught up in the irritating details of maintaining life, and I forget to revel in the magic...the in betweens..

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." ~Emily Dickinson

Ode to a Lizard

2011-04-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

Adam's pet lizard Stumpy (May he rest in peace) took a dive and checked out of the proverbial terrarium this past weekend. One moment he was having a reckless wild ride in a push along fire engine, the next he was breathing his last. Tearfully, carefully he was laid to rest under a pine tree in our side yard..

His life was long and full. Large portions of days were spent crawling around block towers Adam carefully constructed for him, riding on his shoulder around the backyard. He was frequently spotted perching on the edge of the sandbox while roads and rivers were created. Nights were spent hiding out in a pile of leaves, belly full of fresh live crickets and water slurped from an orange juice bottle cap, able to fit inside for a quick dip,his tail having long since been confiscated by a fellow reptile...

He was curious, head often cocked in your direction, little slit eyes sizing you up, mouth opening to hiss or yawn by turns. He was green, he was gray, and sometimes brown, often found hanging upside down. He was quiet and true and loved with a passion, dear Stumpy how sad we are at your passing...

Big Change

2011-04-08T12:48:00.001-07:00

My dreams lately focus on a giant, sloppy layer cake chasing me down the street, covering me with great gobs of pink frosting.. Maybe I was a dessert in my past life. Or maybe our recent change in diet has something to do with it...

We have taken the plunge. Organic all the way for us. For the past couple of months I have wavered back and forth over the issue. Never sure if I could truly believe all I was hearing about hormones and GMO's and the affects on our bodies. And I think part of me didn't want to go through the hassle of overhauling our whole way of life. So I dipped a toe in here and there, organic milk, no more beef, a few changes to vegetable and fruit choices. Nothing major.

But after several conversations with neighbors, some exposure to a documentary called Food Inc. and much research on the topic I realized we had to make some changes. We can't afford not to listen to the research and truths raised. We may not see what's going on inside our bodies, what the hormones and steroids are doing to our organs, but that doesn't mean nothing's happening.

Shockingly many of the ingredients in our everyday products, from a box of graham crackers to the vanilla extract we flavor with contain ingredients that are causing cancer in rats. Tumors, organ failure and cancer, if there is even a possibility that the things I'm putting in my body could cause any of that then I'm done. It's over. It's not worth it to me.

I was fearful to see how the changes would go over with the little folks here. They're definitely used to raw veggies for lunch and fruit smoothies for breakfast but just about every snack food they love; Sugar Free Fudgesicles, Nilla Wafers, even Animal Crackers got the axe. No more occasional stops at McDonald's or Taco Bell. More beans and veggies, no more Kraft Mac N Cheese. Bye bye hotdogs and french fries, hello homemade bread and quinoa.

The grocery shopping became increasingly difficult the first couple weeks, then as we settled in we were good. It was working. We sleep better, feel better, look better and most importantly of all we know that we're not putting hidden fats and hormones and junk in our bodies. To take it even further we found a study by the American Heart Association and the Mayo Clinic detailing that those who eat a virtually meatless diet are healthier and on average live 40% longer. Who wouldn't want that? So out went the meat (except for the occasional salmon) and in came other sources of lean protein.

Is your body really a temple? You have to treat it that way more than just on Sundays, more than just according to your religious practices. Go big. Go simple. Sounds oxymoronic but so true. Take the big step to purify. Send that cake back where it belongs...

Lately

2011-04-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

We are in limbo. Really and truly. Slated to go one direction, then the road changed and now we're sitting at the stoplight way past when we planned. On the surface it has been more than easy for me to keep doing what I'm doing. As Elisabeth Eliot says, "When you feel overwhelmed by circumstances, just do the next thing." And that's what I've done. Quite well I thought.

But the past couple of weeks the suffocating heat of the unknown has taken away my freshness. the Proverbs have it right, "Without a plan, the people perish." I have been wilting by the day. Still able to keep up the tasks, the cheerful brave front when it counts. But deep inside is the wondering, the questions, "What next?" I long to plan for something, straighten out the disorder. Prepare. But how can you prepare without plans? "Can a man build a tower without first constructing a plan?" He cannot, not well.

Enter my husband. The steady oak to my weeping willow. The sunshine to my raincloud. The hug to my crossed arms. The smile to my look of worry. The soft whisper to my raucous shout. The twinkle to my blank stare. The flavor to my lack.

We may not know what comes next, but we can enjoy now. The 30 Rock in house band song, "It's Never too Late for Now" has been playing over and over in my head as I watch him enjoy now. And he has strengthened and encouraged me to set aside the whatifs and focus on the nowwhats. And what's now is our garden.

Carefully he planned and figured out the spacing, the cost, together we poured over seeds and flowers. Our dinner table conversations centered on soil depth and bean pole teepees and mulch. In the evenings while watching television or reading together we discussed garden pests and natural pesticides. He spent hours shopping for lumber, even more time building the garden box and constructing rabbit proof fences and teaching our little folks how to plant seeds.

And now it is finished. Beautifully so. A physical testament to enjoying right now. We don't know how soon we'll be sent elsewhere. Not sure if we will reap all the rewards of our garden, enjoy its bounty. But for now we can find assurance in the peaceful evenings pulling weeds, tucking the mulch around each plant a little snugger, misting it dutifully and waiting eagerly for the tiny buds. And right now, it's enough.

Before Morning Comes

2011-04-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

While the sky is still dark and before the bugle call of morning, two little feet trudge down the long hallway, dragging behind a menagerie of stuffed friends and sometimes a blanket.

If I'm not in a deep sleep the ribbon of light from the hallway stripes across our bed and I see the little figure standing in the doorway, regarding us at our rest. Swiftly and silently he clambers over pillows and knees and nestles in between us.

When his head is on the pillow and his breath is even, eyelashes fanning his cheeks I regard him, picturing a day in the not so distant future. He will be tall and strong and accomplished. He will no longer seek us out for nighttime comfort and cuddles. His world, the center of it will have changed. Grown up and out of our house, out of our arms and into new experiences, new relationships, new loves...

So for this little while I will open my arms, share just a little piece of my resting moments with this little boy who is afraid, who needs assurance. Give a little and he will learn to give too I hope..

My Place

2011-03-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have long been searching for a place to fit. My niche as it were. Like the cozy, comfortable way my son fits in the crook of my arm during a 3 AM feeding, like the way my favorite jeans, faded and torn feel as I slide into them on yet another Saturday morning.

Sometimes I feel akin to a will o the wisp, blown off center without warning or inclination, without its own choosing. I have blown this way and that into rough and calm winds, into torrents of rain, into warm, gentle breezes. I have lain stranded, water borne through places not of my own choosing.

Born into a world rife with religion, a dash of sincerity here, a sprinkle of wit, a little touch of mimicry-I was built on the factory lines of faith. And yet here I sit with 30 knocking at my back door and at times I find it hard to find my rhythm. Holding court for approval has been my game-a master at interpreting a look, a sigh, a gesture and meeting the need unasked. Can I help you? has been the response of my life.

And after years of filling in the empty spaces of others I find myself too big to fit there anymore. Like Cain in the Bible, cursed to wander without a homeland,a place to lay his head I find the yawning urge within me to put down roots, to stay, to be.

My life thus far has been a series of cutoffs, ending one relationship, beginning another, ending that relationship, on to the next one. After years of it and now looking down the barrel of my own disconnectedness I'm quite positive its part of my DNA.

Marrying young, so in love and full of hope, yet with the big uncomfortable question mark inside me. Where do I belong? And now with our days full of boisterous tiny folk and the busyness of family life I find the ache of belonging to is stilled. But yet there is more to be..

I need to wipe my feet on a dusty doormat, pull up a rocker on a front porch of welcome and be home. Not a home I borrow from those who offer me shelter, not a place I snatch at gratefully, having no other option, not a place to get by at, pass time there, while away the marching hours.

A home with bricks so familiar I can trace each and every line, a staircase that leads me much deeper than just the heart of the home, a kitchen shining with the promise of good days to come, a backyard garden brimming with possibilities, and a roof that shelters because I chose it just for me. My place. Mine. Just for me. A place I can call my own. Something tells me it's not that far away. Just around the next bend perhaps.

Rain Rain

2011-03-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

It is cold and wet today, it has been for the better part of this past week. Mud and puddles and the like. Soaking wet hair and drippy boots and smiles from ear to ear in our corner of the world. Even though the grayness hangs about my shoulders and the sky holds the same pallor, in my heart there is music.

I snapshot the wide grin on my husband's stubbly face and watch my long legged wide eyed little people twirl and spin in the wet grass and pour buckets and buckets of water on an already wet porch. Running eagerly to clutch small umbrellas in even smaller hands and skip and sing in unison.

Chubby legs stuffed into squat little boots stumble and slide, trudging through the soaking square of lawn, following the rest. "Da, da da.", he cries, reaching to encircle one of Tim's large fingers in his small fist.

A day many could argue is a throwaway, what with the chill and puddles and ever emptying clouds. Not my three. This day is one for the books. They savor every last drop. And so do I, watching them through the porch window, standing beside them as we plot the space for our soon coming garden, staring up at the rain pouring down on us all.

The Sting of Defeat

2011-03-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

In reflecting on Duke's loss to Arizona last night the old Billy Joel song, "Only the Good Die Young" plays over and over in my head. The lyrics don't really apply to basketball, or even in life if we're honest with ourselves. Sometimes the good teams take a knee early but often they ride a wave all the way into shore, shore being the March Madness Championship.

But Kyrie Irving and Singler and the rest gave it a shot, it just wasn't their night. Arizona played a near perfect second half. It's debatable what happened with Nolan Smith. A hollow performance. "I don't know what to do with my hands", may be a good explanation as the guys on Sports Center aptly interpreted it.

When you're so accustomed to palming that rough, leathery ball, feeling its weight and form, searching and grabbing and shooting and sinking, over and over, the rhythm, the routine becomes intoxicating and yet so normal that you are lost when your hands are empty...

But regardless, to the Jimmers and the Nolan Smiths and the Coach K's and the rest who had so much riding on these games, who gave their heart and soul in each play-we appreciate the effort. Good game. Thanks for playing your game- these games of your life in front of us.

Maybe..

2011-03-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

As our littlest guy, Will approaches 18 months I find myself savoring each and every little tidbit of babyhood. The surreptitious grins and games of hide and seek with his mirror reflection, the glee as he enjoys the soft sand on vacation, sliding into it with nary a care. Laying his head on my shoulder as we sit in the shade, humming the Thomas the Tank engine theme over and over again.

His cheerful chirping voice in the morning, round roly poly body marching purposefully, clutching a marker he foraged carefully for, intent on hiding out in a back room doing a little scribbling and some snacking on its colored tip. The powdery soft smell of a clean diaper, curly ringlets framing his face, enjoying his morning eggs with a hearty, emphatic "Mmm!".

The quick staccato "Done! Done!" with bobbing head to be let out of his highchair or help clambering out of his bath.

Done? I'm not sure I'm done yet. Not ready to close that nursery door and pack away the tiny blue rainboots and highchair. As hectic and loud and mind boggling parenting and all that comes with it can be it is beautiful all the same. A beautiful mess. Sometimes it all gets so crazy and absolutely overwhelming that I have no other choice but to sit in the middle of tumbledown couch cushions and broken apart train tracks and graham cracker crumbs and smile.

And something tells me I haven't seen the last of firsts. That hallowed, hushed first moment after birth, the heaving and pushing and struggling and exertion ended...Stillness, calm, and a slick, wet, slippery little body with puckered lips and bleary eyes is laid on your chest. The tiny newcomer's soft eyes lock with your own and at that moment beyond any other you believe; somehow fairy land and fate and the possibility of a Heavenly Force seem tangible, possible, close.

Moments like that are irreplaceable, unexplainable. And the possibility, the chance to have that and all that follows just one more time makes me rethink packing away the onesies.

Maybe just one more...

Shocking

2011-03-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

Okay so for a while I have been valiantly trying to weave healthy choices into our daily diet. But honestly I am shocked to read of the pesticides that are on our fruits and vegetables, the Dirty Dozen as they are called represent most of our exposure to pesticides in a given day.

In fact if we choose to buy these 12 organically or eliminate them and find other alternatives we will cut out over 90% of our pesticide exposure.

1. Apples

2. Bell Peppers

3. Celery

4. Grapes (Imported)

5. Potatoes

6. Red Raspberries

7. Spinach

8. Strawberries

9. Corn

10. Nectarines

11. Pears

12. Blueberries (these alone have been treated with 52 kinds of pesticides)

As disconcerting as these facts are we can't shut our eyes to them. What kinds of things are we unknowingly putting into our bodies and worse our little people? What will the effects be in years to come?

Tiny Dancer

2011-03-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

Here's to our gorgeous little Natalie who is showing herself to be quite the ballet dancer!

My Condolences

2011-03-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

Better late than never. Let me offer a smile of condolence to the Tarheels who were royally flogged on Sunday afternoon. RIP

Blue Streak

2011-03-06T05:15:00.000-08:00

What can I say about last nights Duke/UNC game? Somehow the pretty powder blue uniforms with argyle accents found a foothold and won the game. Somehow the legendary 3 pointers missed their mark and Coach K's time tested strategies failed.

A fluke really. Working out some kinks before the big games,the real games. So I'll give you this one Tarheels, you seemed in fine form last night. And no one can deny your impressive rise to strength during this season. Roy Williams deserves a handshake and a good natured slap on the back. But none of this points to a championship win.

"Look, when we get on the bus our record is 0-0, Kryzyzewski said about the ACC tournament. We have to prepare for the next part of our season. This was a big game but the upcoming games are the biggest games. The games we will play in the next few weeks are the biggest and most important games."

So all you Duke naysayers be warned. We have only just begun..

So Much

2011-02-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

Busy with the business of life... That's where I've been. Business makes you think of work, duty, not fun. But when I stop to reflect, to sit cross legged on the floor for a minute, to steal a kiss or a squeeze around the middle..I'm floored. It is rapturously sweet at times, immersed in the the bubbling euphoria of babyhood and the dreams of little people..The world is at their feet, shining and new and each day they wake with hope, anticipation. And I learn a little bit more about loving God from them...

Life is too exciting to walk...and so they run, pigtails flying, favorite teddy bears or blankies dragged along for the ride...everything meant to be tasted and enjoyed..

Changes are coming, have come...New decisions, a bend in the road we didn't expect. And yet they march on, the sun still shines, clouds clear and merciful sleep finds us eventually each night.

Adam is almost 4, his world inhabited by imaginary friends. From a Lego airplane to a sketch of a rabbit, each one becomes real and is given a set of adventures. He plays hard, runs fast, hugs fiercely and wrestles with his wants and the rules of home. His speediness gives way to emotional exhaustion and for a moment at night he is small again, wanting comfort, not needing to be brave or the winner. Just needing a snuggle and a story...

Natalie is boisterous and self assured, not afraid to argue for what she wants, to push ahead of the rest. Clever and quick witted, moods quickly changing from dark raincloud to a sunburst without warning. With deft fingers she creates beautiful drawings, builds elaborate creations, Almost 6, one moment clambering around pretending to be a kitty cat, the next racing her brother down the hill..A ballerina, a superhero, a fairytale princess, a weepy little girl.. Each day she plays different roles, we as her supporting cast.. Never a dull moment...Quick to soothe a hurt, offer a warm blanket to a sad hearted brother, come up with a game for a moment of boredom, she makes sunshine from scratch...

Will is a big 16 months(almost), jolly, rosy cheeked and dimpled of limbs, he walks with a swagger, cowboylike, surveying his territory. Home. A mass of tangled curls like his siblings and the same shining, clear eyed gaze, he is showing the makings of a fierce contender as well. He does not shrink back from jumping right into the fray while Natalie and Adam are fighting, a tangled mass of arms and legs twisting and in he goes, reaching boldly for the same toy they are both feuding over...Just as quickly the brave heart gives way to ragged sobs, running for comfort when a door is closed in his face or a relished opportunity (a good game of drop things in the toilet) is refused. He hums to himself as he trudges along, dragging along a roll of toilet paper, the tray off his highchair, a plunger he foraged in the closet for... A taster of life...

And Tim and I keep rolling along. Without tongue in cheek or any sugarcoated saccharin pretense I say we are MORE today than we have ever been. We are able to laugh more, give more, hope more, love more. As we have given each other room to grow and change and make mistakes we have learned more about love than any book could ever teach. Somehow we have gained that foundation of peace, that otherworldly knowledge that no matter what is thrown at us...we have MORE, we are MORE..we will be MORE..

And so I'm watching a page beginning to turn, on the cusp of another chapter of our lives and I can say without regret, I wouldn't be anywhere else..I'm not missing what's next...

Is there a doctor in the house?

2011-02-08T10:34:00.001-08:00

Scared

2011-01-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

Mommy in the dark night when I feel scared I just remember the song Daddy sang when he was a little boy:

"The Lord is my shepherd I'll follow Him always. The Lord is my shepherd I'll follow Him always."

Then I don't feel scared anymore.

Missing Piece

2011-01-31T06:17:00.000-08:00

Oh I'm lookin' for my missin' piece

I'm lookin' for my missin' piece

Hi-dee-ho Here I go

Lookin' for my missin' piece

Many mornings I find myself rolling around like the circle in Shel Silverstein's book, looking for the 'missin' piece'. All the little fragments of to-dos and must calls and little people to be cared for and listened to and disciplined and cuddled converge into one big circle missing the important, grounded portion of peace to make it all run smoothly. Run on sentence it may be but some days that's what it all feels like. Even being a servant of God feels like more work because that pretty much makes up my job description these days..servant of all.

But then I remember. He has called us friends. Real friends are hard to come by. Especially those to trust a confidence to, to find the laugh in the midst of the struggle, to open your crazy mixed up world to and believe that they will find the good in it all. But He is mine. And I am his. Friends. J loves S. Like a heart etched on a big old tree.

And when that hits me I stop rolling around. Looking. My missin' piece or peace has been found. No need to look any further. Hi-dee-ho

Glee

2011-01-24T19:54:00.000-08:00

“Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.”

-Emily Dickinson

Snowed in at ASU

2011-01-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'm a few weeks late with this post, what a great time we had. A picturesque setting, up in the mountains on a beautiful college campus, snowed in at a great old hotel with no real plans but a leisurely breakfast and a day playing in the snow.

Push

2011-01-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

It was early. And cold. Bitterly so. The only sounds were sneakers hitting pavement, the whoosh of my breath in and out, in and out... The wind whipped at my hair and stung my eyes, filling my lungs with its frostiness and waking me up.

Everything I carried out the front door with me peeled away and I pushed ahead. Stillness. Calm. Like a prayer. A holy moment...

A Walk

2011-01-14T05:00:00.001-08:00

Sean

2011-01-12T06:13:00.000-08:00

It is over now.

The last labored breath has been taken in this dusty place.

Strong hands that smoothed wood and fashioned furniture

that delivered important missiles to people far and wide

that led a son to the bus

threw a frisbee

tickled a small belly

caressed the love of his life

Now rest in the warm grasp of the One who knows him best.

Arms that heaved loads

embraced tearful blonde boys,

spun a laughing wife around the kitchen

eased others' pain

Now encircle a mother, loved ones unmet, a joyful Father.

Eyes that twinkled with warmth

Looked upon people with understanding

Shined with conviction and faith

Glowed with love and deep joy

that saw a need and quickly met it

Now reflect a landscape unimagined, colors unseen, the smile of Love itself.

A man who gave all to those he loved. Now has it all.

Snow Day!

2010-12-29T16:58:00.001-08:00

Happy Christmas

2010-12-29T05:56:00.001-08:00

The gifts were great. But spending this Christmas together was priceless.

Twas the Night Before...

2010-12-24T19:42:00.001-08:00

Goofy pictures in new pjs, sprinkling reindeer food, setting out cookies and milk for Santa....

Deck the Halls

2010-12-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

A few more ornaments to be made for the tree, sticky fingers and all, a proud climb to the top of the slide stairs and a last minute letter to Santa...

Here Comes Santa Claus

2010-12-21T06:37:00.000-08:00

Merry Making

2010-12-21T06:17:00.000-08:00

Baking, tasting, Gingerbread House Making, frolicking with reindeer and spreading so much cheer... These little people CANNOT WAIT much more for Christmas to be here!

Weekend at...

2010-12-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

I recently watched a spoof on Weekend at Bernie's and it brought me back to our past weekend in Raleigh. Why you ask? Well there was no party involving recently deceased bosses or party crashers but there was definitely a sense of absolute madness and the unexpected.Maybe because it was the only movie reference with Weekend in the title that I could come up with... Somehow, without warning in those brief two and a half days everyone ended up sick, throwing up, the whole gamut. Our littles were feeling wretched and retching for most of our time there. So long group activities with the other children, outings and train rides. I had moments looking out at the icy day when I felt we were destined to spend the rest of our days in those two rooms..But alas, somehow we recovered, regained our color and our appetites and by the last day we were able to take a quaint, cozy train ride on Santa's Polar Express. It was not to be missed, despite all it took to get there...

Going..

2010-12-16T12:10:00.000-08:00

Someone I know is dying. Losing his precious life while the world goes on normally. How can it? Why doesn't everything, shift, stop moving until I've processed, until his wife and children have had time to understand, to deal, to prepare..

But it doesn't work that way. We can't freeze frame moments until we're ready to handle them. This man, Sean, is good and strong and faithful, a husband and a father and a kind soul. He and his family have been an important part of the fabric which is my life.. and now they will experience this great sorrow... How can it be? Why isn't the whole world crying..?

I just don't know what to say. I want to have the right words. the comfort Jen needs. But nothing I say or do can give her back the man she loves, who she is losing minute by precious minute, watching her world change into something she never planned for...Part of me wants to shut out the normalcy as though it is somehow mocking the sacred hours Sean has left...

Why celebrate this season? Why have cake for dessert, watch a funny movie, sing with a little boy at the top of his lungs? Why take comfort in a hug or a good long nap or revel in houses lit up for Christmas?

And yet the Voice inside me whispers, "Why not?" To not celebrate the now, the normalcy, the joys and bright spots in the routine would be to cheapen the value, the preciousness of this life I'm now living, this life that dear Sean is watching end... For in the celebrating in spite of this deep throbbing pain, in spite of the ache, in spite of the sorrow we are saying, "Death where is your victory? Death where is your sting?"

So tonight on the brink of this holy Christmas I will pray for Sean, for Jen, for their little boys to be carried through, I will freely shed tears for them. But also for them, for this world and for the sacred life I have been given will I get up from those prayers and have dessert with my little girl and read a silly book to my baby. I don't think God, or Sean for the matter would have it any other way...

St. Nick's Day Surprise

2010-12-07T07:04:00.000-08:00

Rub a Dub Dub

2010-12-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

Two Boys in the Tub

Lil Chef

2010-12-07T06:41:00.001-08:00

BIG DAY

2010-11-30T11:40:00.000-08:00

Natalie is now officially a McNair "Shamrock". GO CLOVERS!

Happy Turkey Day!

2010-11-25T08:44:00.001-08:00

Trip to Charlotte

2010-11-25T08:09:00.000-08:00

A Family Visit

2010-11-25T08:06:00.001-08:00

Williamsburg

2010-11-09T10:52:00.001-08:00

We had a great time. Explored Jamestown and attempted to chase down a trolley and had great food and lots of laughs!

And they're off...

2010-11-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

Space Rangers

2010-11-01T08:09:00.001-07:00

1

2010-10-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

Pure Sunshine

2010-10-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Boo!

Peek a boo

2010-10-19T11:56:00.000-07:00

Pumpkin Patch

2010-10-17T04:16:00.000-07:00

Will

2010-10-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

Magic and Mayhem

2010-10-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Weekend at Great Wolf

2010-09-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

Even..

2010-09-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining.
I believe in love even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God even when he is silent.

In the Middle

2010-09-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

Dear friends of mine are going through a grave time...Struggling with an unknown disease, fighting through all the question marks raining down on them. How I wish that I could give some much needed relief, more than just meaningful silence over phone lines.. A hand held, a meal prepared, their sweet little boys tickled and snuggled and sent off to bed feeling secure, the peace of mind that someone else knows they're hurting and afraid and cares enough to be there...

There is history between us and somehow that conveys more than words ever can. People who have shared a part in my becoming and growing and now I am hushed and privileged to share in this difficult situation they now find themselves in.

How do things like this happen? Where is God when good people are hurting? The same questions untold millions have been asking for years without number. All I know is that no matter how great the hurt is, how powerful the longing to be free of the struggle, He understands and He is here. In the the silent, aching moments when hearts feel sure to break, in the carefree smiles on little faces still unmarked by anything heavy, sad, unexplainable, in the quiet strength and dignity with which husbands and wives shoulder on together, unable to change the path they're walking down, but with the comfort that they can sit and rest awhile, to gather strength together.

In those normal, mundane moments I like to think God is right in the middle. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cookies and milk and tears over a broken toy or pillow fights before bedtime...searching for a lost stuffed rabbit or sitting up all night with a feverish baby, road trips and sibling fights and backyard races and squabbling over how to spend a dollar, exuberant sloppy baby kisses and first teeth..He is in it all.

And so, as my dear friends push on I can only remember that He promises us that the hope He gives us will not let us down, because He has given Himself to us, to be with us...The storm may still be raging but we are not standing in it alone, warm sheltering arms are around us, walking us through it all...

Candyland

2010-09-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

For birthdays we usually plan some sort of scavenger hunt. Tim completely outdid himself this year and planned a Candyland Land Nav course. It was a blast and Natalie and Adam were thrilled!

Funny...

2010-09-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

"If you never did, you should, these things are fun and fun is good." If people were summed up in quotations, this one from Dr. Seuss would be Natalie's life mantra.

Today she is five and how fully she embraces every opportunity. In this brief time she has been in the world she has taught us so much about pure joy and squeezing every last drop of goodness out of each day.

She is always the one with the map. Since she could barely scribble she has been designing maps to varied locations, both real and imagined.

She must have some living thing, small or large, insect or infant to care for. She flits from caring for beetles and lame butterflies to concocting elaborate play spaces for Baby Will...

She is desperate to be first at everything, losing a footrace, no matter how close reduces her to tears. But as bloody as the competition between she and Adam sometimes gets she is quick to pull him in for a hug or urge him to join her latest adventure...

One minute she is lovingly putting her doll to bed or singing Adam a lullaby, the next she is furiously throwing a football, digging holes to "China" in the sandbox, cheering on a bug race, rolling down the hill, oblivious to how dirty and banged up she emerges....

Her sense of humor is spot on, a mixture of slapstick (she will willingly run into a wall or door if it will garner a laugh) and sarcasm...

Her room most often resembles the aftermath of a tornado but she knows where everything is...

She rarely puts on a dress without protesting but on very special occasions the only thing she wants to wear is her Cinderella dress...

Her face is either wreathed in smiles or furrowed in concentration. Everything she does she puts her all into it...

She makes us laugh, makes us proud, brings us such deep joy...

We love you Natalie Elizabeth, HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY!!

Charleston

2010-09-13T11:01:00.001-07:00

We are fresh back from a dizzying weekend in Charleston, SC. We stayed in a posh Marriott with a view of the Citadel and a comfy but smallish room. We were pretty much in the middle of the city and what with Will needing his twice daily naps we ended up spending most of the mornings in the hotel. While Tim was in and out teaching a single soldier conference we busied ourselves with spinning in the desk chair, playing I Spy out the huge window, creating maps for our visit to the aquarium, hopping from bed to bed, pile on Mom, tents and piggyback rides and songs and stories. Then our afternoons consisted of trips to the nearby aquarium (don't bother to visit-that's another story entirely) and the park and pierand we couldn't leave out the beloved McDonald's for sundaes.. So much fun, so little chance for solitude, I must confess I had a MAJOR headache to end it all but it was a blast...Next weekend we hit Charlotte...

On a Sunday afternoon..

2010-08-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Must Read

2010-08-02T10:46:00.001-07:00

http://somewheremoreholy.com/

This is at once hilarious and haunting. A life changing work...

Baby's Got Blue Skies

2010-07-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Tim, I still think we've got the best thing going..the sweetest thing. Happy Birthday! (a little bit late)

Catching Up..

2010-07-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go? Lost somewhere between here and there... So many GREAT things have been happening for us since Tim came home...

Birthdays and family beach getaways and two new bottom teeth. Learning the ABC's and potty training and crawling and now pulling up to stand.. THE BEST THINGS all at the same time... Isn't that how it always works... all at once, so sweet you can hardly breathe...

Homecoming

2010-06-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

Tim arrived back safe and sound and we couldn't be happier to be together again. He won't broadcast it himself but his uniform now displays a Combat Action Medal (their convoy was hit by an IED the day before Iraqi elections) and a Bronze Star (for service above and beyond the call of duty). Thankfully no one was injured in the incident and he was kind enough to save that story till he was standing here in front of me rather than over the phone or computer.

All in all we had a great year apart and will now have an even better one together. All the way!

All's Well...

2010-05-19T05:46:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that this year has gone so quickly. In less than a week now Tim will be home and we will start a new phase of our family life.

Fittingly, this last week has been a little more difficult, mostly I think because we are so anxious to have him back. Little to no sleep, Will being sick, sibling rivalry to the max, a series of rainy days, plumbing problems... Yesterday ended up being my crowning moment. We were so tired of being indoors that we decided to venture out into the sloppy muddy world and head back to our stream in the woods. In short I managed to take an ungraceful tumble (with Will in carrier on front) backwards then sideways down the muddied clay hill and almost ended up in the water were it not for Adam's help. I stood only to fall again, this time sprawling on my side...Just a few bruises and some sore neck muscles and possibly ruined Citizen jeans but thankfully Will's okay..

To their credit Natalie and Adam had only looks of concern whereas another would have found it funny, shortly after I certainly did. But it wasn't so funny to realize I had fallen smack on my phone and shattered the poor thing. So if anyone's trying to reach me blame it on the mud and my clumsiness and I'll get back with you soon...

TGTBT

2010-05-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

Together or apart, each day only gets better with you my love.

Happy 6th Anniversary!

Fwee

2010-05-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

"mummy, now mine is fwee years old. Mine is weally weally big now. Like a BIIG dinosaur!"

The past three years with you have been so fantastic little man. Can't wait to see what this one brings. Happy Birthday!!

A Ramble...

2010-04-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

We have been getting acquainted with the woods behind our house, venturing a little further each day. Natalie and Adam would rather play back there than the playground or the sandbox. They can't wait to uncover old logs and dig up millipedes and worms and beetles and bugs. Off they trudge, large sticks in hand, scrabbling over who is the leader this time, while I bring up the rear with Will in the baby carrier. He wiggles and laughs and kicks his legs as though he thinks he's somehow walking right behind them. I can hardly keep him from grabbing at branches and leaves along the way and often look down to find he's been dragging a large stick along with us.

We will go in circles, getting further and further tangled in the underbrush, Natalie and Adam shouting "Let's go south, we need to go south!" South seems to be whichever way they choose to go at that moment. After many minutes of roaming around we inevitably end up back at the same trickling stream.

They are convinced that around each corner could be a tiger or a koala or a large bear. I keep quiet, enjoying listening to them share stories and secrets, occasionally breaking up a fight or two and keeping on the lookout for briars and thorns. Each time we head in there we talk of what Daddy would say or do or think and how happy it makes us to know how very close he is to coming home.

He has long been a lover of the woods himself and how much we look forward to sharing these times with him.

On Top of It

2010-03-22T05:33:00.000-07:00

In all this madness it's nice to know someone's got control of the ball...

An Educated Man...

2010-03-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

He's growing up almost overnight it seems...

Sleeping Beauty

2010-03-15T20:01:00.001-07:00

I went in to check on Natalie before turning in and found her asleep..in a Cinderella dress no less...

Up

2010-03-11T06:05:00.000-08:00

Here's what we've been up to lately..besides moving.

discovering lipgloss...fun with daddy dolls and bro time...new toys and "Hurry Up Spring" picnics.

All of Us

2010-03-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

The other evening at bedtime I was getting Adam's pj's on and started singing "Jesus Loves Me". Suddenly he began to protest in frustration. "No Mom. don't sing that, no no." I stopped to listen and he said, "Don't sing Jesus just loves you, Jesus loves all of us. Sing that mom."

So Nice

2010-03-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

Mom and Dad Behnke were just here for a few days visit. We had a birthday celebration, fun at the Playplace and many laughs and tickle fests and some help with moving prep. What a great recharge before our big move...

Our Place

2010-02-25T13:01:00.000-08:00

We just got the best news. We're moving. To a much bigger place. Can't hardly wait.

Danger...

2010-02-19T05:06:00.000-08:00

...thy name is Thin Mints.

My Current Location

2010-02-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

Somewhere deep inside this basket is someone's mommy, in fact, 3 someones' mommy. She cannot seem to dig herself out. A few items folded, she thinks she sees a clearing ahead only to be covered by the next load....Maybe by spring....

Lucky

2010-02-14T15:43:00.000-08:00

Couldn't let this Valentine's Day go by without a snapshot of my beautiful bouquet and an appreciation for the heart that chose them just for me. I love you Tim...

All my love. All my life.

QT's

2010-02-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

happy valentine's day!

Making Friends with Crazy

2010-02-14T06:28:00.001-08:00

The past few days have been well...crazy. Besides ice storms and the like our only working vehicle died right before we headed out to grocery shop. Our street being almost completely vacant for reconstruction means there was virtually no one to help. Enter trusty car battery charger (thank you in laws), except I failed to read the instructions to charge it upon receiving. So while I waited for the charge I poked around and thankfully found an electrician working on one of the houses and he and his co worker kindly gave me a jump, thereby getting themselves mired in the mud that is our side yard...

Upon waking yesterday morning a ho hum load of laundry became a vicious flood, invading kitchen and dining room, covering bathroom floors and spewing up food from the shower drain. I was surprised at my own response, standing calmly by while watching a recreation of Old Faithful from my toilet...

I came back out to the kitchen to find Adam gleefully gliding on the pools of soapy water. I just had to smile and then we laughed. Now there is a HUGE ditch in our backyard where they had to uncover our pipes and expunge (sp?) all the gunk from them and more work left to be done bright and early Monday morning.

One of the hardest lessons I have learned from this year as a solo trapeze artist is that crazy is never too far away and I can't let it get me off course. In fact its an almost constant companion with three little ones under 5 and a husband thousands of miles away. I used to rage at the havoc it caused, cry and stew and whine and complain and life stood still while I tried to win. But in the end you can't really fight crazy, you just have to make peace with it and keep on keeping on...

EAT

2010-02-10T07:35:00.001-08:00

Warm Vegetable Salad
Recipe courtesy Giada De Laurentiis

4 to 6 servings

Ingredients
2 whole red peppers
1 1/2 pound assorted red and white new potatoes
3/4 pounds green beans, trimmed and halved
1 bunch scallions, sliced
1/2 cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons chopped oregano leaves
1 lemon, zested and juiced
2 tablespoons white wine vinegar
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Directions
Preheat the broiler. Place the red peppers on a foil lined baking sheet.
Place the red peppers under the boiler. Turning every 2 to 3 minutes cook the peppers until the skin is blistered, about 8 to 9 minutes total. Place the blistered peppers in a plastic bag. Seal the bag and allow the peppers to sit for 10 minutes to allow the skin to separate and to let cool.
Meanwhile, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the potatoes and cook until tender, about 10 to 12 minutes. Remove the potatoes to a cutting board. Add the green beans to the pot. Cook the green beans until tender, about 3 minutes. Remove the green beans to a large bowl. Slice the potatoes in half while still warm and combine them with the green beans in the large bowl. Remove the peppers from the plastic bag. Peel off the skin from the peppers. Slice the pepper flesh into wide strips and remove the seeds and veins. Place them in the bowl with the potatoes. Add the scallions, parsley, and garlic
and toss to combine.
In a small bowl combine the oregano, lemon juice and zest, and white wine vinegar. Whisk in the olive oil. Stir in the salt and pepper. Toss the warm vegetables with the herb vinaigrette. Serve immediately.

Must Read

2010-02-10T07:22:00.001-08:00

I laughed. I cried. It moved me. I still can't stop thinking about it.

In short

2010-02-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

The perfect parenting mantra.

Saturdays feel so nice...

2010-02-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

Ahh, it's Saturday once more. It has taken awhile but I have learned to take a Saturday "off" or sort of, from the rest of the week. A little difficult because with Tim gone each day can feel like a weekday without the right perspective.

Saturdays still contain the voluminous laundry, toilet scrubbings, dishes and dirty diapers, but for at least a little while I do something for me. Read a magazine. Sit and drink a cup of chai and do nothing else but stare out the window and dream. Luxurious I know. If only these moments could last a little longer than a moment sometimes.

Which brings me to goals. I have been learning the value of creating S.M.A.R.T. goals. Small, Measureable, Reasonable, Time specific goals. It sure makes for much less frustration when I don't set the bar so high for myself and my little ones. For example I have learned to plan that I will only get one leg shaven in the shower before there is an outburst of tears or tussling over a toy. I may not get the entire dishwasher unloaded but I can manage the top rack and possibly the silverware before I need to change a diaper or clean up spilled milk. Sounds a little unusual and it is at first but in the end it has been a saving grace. "I will get mascara on one eye before I need to soothe a hurt or kiss a boo boo." "I can frost the bottom layer of the cake before I must stop to tie a shoe." Simple but incredibly invaluable stuff..

And we are on the countdown now. We are close to going under 100 days at which point I just know the rest of this deployment will fly by. I am thankful that we have all learned to really live and celebrate each moment of this time of separation instead of whining and whimpering for it to be over. I wouldn't trade this year apart because of the growth we have experienced in our marriage and family. We have had to work extra hard to stay close, to communicate, to dream together of what life will look like when he returns.

We have a jolly little band of characters here. Is there anything better than rosy cheeked little people marching around the house singing songs and tumbling down the halls? I think not. How I love to listen to them play and giggle. I have been stretched beyond myself many times trying to understand where they're coming from and also draw boundary lines. Always the heart triumphs over the oft stubborn will and our love of togetherness is more important than getting our own way. How I enjoy a good snuggle with a chubby little newborn boy, the way he laughs hysterically when Natalie and Adam jump on the couch. How sweet to be asked to join in the play and to see the excitement on faces as though nothing could be better than Mama as part of the game..

Each evening I can hardly wait till all is dark and quiet, Will has nursed off to dreamland and I can get down to business and workout. Yes, I have found nothing is quite so refreshing and strengthening and even peace giving at the end of the day than an hour long workout. Listening to some music, pushing the toys and puzzles out of the way and hitting the mat or doing cardio has been amazing for me, not only results wise but in the way I feel. Clear headed and on top of the world.

Coming to realize over these past months that Jesus just loves me for me. Never really grasped that in any real way before. That I can't do anything to make him more or less in love with me. He just is because I am. Freeing. Incredibly so.

So that's my ramble. All these things have been knocking about in my head for quite some time, just rarely do I have the spare minute to jot it all down. Now I must go eat a "giant jelly sandwich" made out of couch cushions and a fleece blanket in between, nurse a hungry boy and snuggle with a little boy who is right now a "kitty cat". The stuff of life...

Land of Make Believe

2010-01-31T13:24:00.000-08:00

SNOW

2010-01-31T13:10:00.001-08:00

First Clear Day

2010-01-31T12:47:00.000-08:00

Better Together

2010-01-14T05:53:00.001-08:00